THE BLOG

The Ten Unwritten Rules of 'Mum'

28/05/2015 18:16 BST | Updated 28/05/2016 10:59 BST

When I first found out I was pregnant I was over the moon but had no idea that as soon as the baby popped (or in my case pulled) out, I inadvertently had signed some weird invisible contract, that it appears I can't get out of for the foreseeable future.

Thou shall always have a 'Mum' bag...

For the past few years I have had to carry around a ridiculous, massive, giant bag. Every day. Always. It has a variety of things in it from tiny pants to spare dummies to little dirty broken toys. This bag will remain bottomless yet when I require just one single nappy. It will prove fruitless. And result in me swearing whilst I empty the contents out into the street.

Thou shall always be in charge of packing. For everyone...

We have been on a few holidays post the kids and for some reason I signed up to be on packing duty??? For like four people? It takes days and days. No one cares. No one appreciates it but when I dare to forget bloody swimming nappies? It is clearly my fault.

Thou shall only wear a 'Mum' coat...

I used to own a nice coat. Ones without a hood. Some were tight fitted beauties. Now? I have a 'Mum' coat. I have had several of these over the past few years. But always in the same guise. Always like a parka. But not one that makes me look bang on trend. Keep an eye out. Most Mums have these coats. With their hood pulled up. Running in the rain. Looking tired.

Thou shall always have everything known to man on hand. Always...

To be a good Mom you must have to hand at all times the following: nappies (obv), sun tan lotion, wellies, spare pants, spare spare pants, toys, snacks, plasters, Calpol, pop, more pants, emergency treats, woolly hats, sun hats, spare socks. And so on. You need to be prepared for any occurrence. I forgot some spare tights yesterday for the girl who jumped in a worryingly deep puddle. Bad Mom.

Thou shall worship at the alter of dry shampoo...

Never ever ever did I think the day would come where I thought about the use of dry shampoo. Ever. Now? I can tell you about the various flavours on offer (cherry is my choice at the mo) and how long to spray it to make you look like you've showered. I'll be honest. That never happens. You are fooling yourself. You look like you've used dry shampoo.

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If I could just get you to sign this whilst you're on a lot of drugs...

Thou shall happily give over your whole abode to your child...

We have a playroom. A whole room designated to play. So why the hell is there another toy box in the living room? Then kids books in our bedroom? And one gazillion bath toys? Oh and don't forget the rubbish (I mean beautiful) pieces of art that will litter your shelves.

Thou shall never wee alone again...

When you have kids 1) you need the toilet every hour on the hour due to labour 2) you have to take maybe one or two tiny people to the toilet with you. They stare at you when you wee. Ask what your tampon is and worse? Open the bloody lock in public toilets and reveal your bum to the world.

Thou need to be scared...

Not just of accidents and the normal worrying things. But what is going to be said. Whenever my girl says "My mummy says..." I am terrified she is going to reveal a rather mean nickname of a 'friend' or tell someone a rude word I said whilst driving. Both have happened.

Thou shall never be able to watch TV again...

Peppa frickin Pig. Gah! No matter how much you say you're not going to be a Mom who lets their kids watch tele. Its draw will be too much and you will be submerged into a world of hell. You will think about why is Mr Potato so big? Why is Danny Dog the same size as Pedro Pony? Dogs and horses are not the same size! And so on. I have a Masters in Education. Yet I wondered what happened to Barbies parents. I even googled it. I am brain dead.

There's a million of other stupid things I never dreamt would be involved with being a Mum. Including dealing with daft health visitors (don't let your children near hot drinks dear (?!)), cleaning up sick from every nook and cranny in a child's bedroom, and holding them down when they are being evilly injected by the doctors. But there is one rule we shall never forget. And praise be:

Thou shall be fuelled by caffeine. Caffeine shall be your drink of choice (and sometimes booze)...

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