It doesn't matter how many "near-naked snaps" he's posted on his Instagram over the past few weeks and months, it doesn't matter how complimentary your tone is (it's not body-shaming if we're saying he looks good, right?) and no, it definitely does not matter how big the c**k in question is, people.
They're a remembrance of a time long since forgotten. They're a brief moment in history captured in perpetuity for future generations. They're a glorious celebration of humanity's inherent kindness. They're a painful reminder of the incomprehensible and intolerable cruelty of mankind. They're a recollection of society's greatest triumphs and its failures.
With The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Heart back in the billboard album top 10, I started to wonder if there is a secret to rock n roll longevity. So I took my hair and my sunscreen along to this year's Ramblin' Man Fair to find out.
The whole thing is still pretty much one big boys' club - Kirk, Spock, Scotty and Bones swooping in and saving the day, while their female counterparts are basically demoted to sidekicks. In a fictional world supposedly based on equality and progressive social attitudes, that feels anachronistic.
We may not be seeing this crisis on the news, but having seen for myself the devastating impact the drought is having on children here in Lesotho, I've been left in no doubt just how desperate the situation has become. The scariest thing is if we don't act now it could become so much worse. We simply cannot turn our backs on these children in their time of need.
So perhaps a drama school that endeavours to train its students how to be an actor, should enlighten graduates as to just what is possible. Promotional work, corporate work, work that uses the skills they have learnt as actors to engage with the public. Somebody has to wear that Sponge Bob Square pants suit in the shopping mall on a Saturday afternoon. How much better for all concerned if it's somebody who can really make it look fun.
I wish I could find the right words to express how it felt completing my first two live shows, as I stepped back on stage for gigs at The Vortex and PizzaExpress Jazz Club over the last month. After the dark year of recovery from cancer, I had returned to health to fulfil my lifelong dream... and at the age of 72.
This week I find myself on the secluded island of Ischia in the Bay of Naples. Here my orchestra is performing at La Mortella, a spectacular haven created by the composer William Walton and his wife Susana whose opulent gardens hang off a cliff in ways the Babylonians could only have dreamed.
Imagine your perfect festival. Sunshine. Great music. Party atmosphere. Relaxation even...
'Chevalier' is full of deadpan absurdist humour and it's a delight - Mark Rylance excels in 'The BFG,' Steven Spielberg's colourful romp through Roland Dahl's Giant Country - 'Ming of Harlem:Twenty One Storeys in the Air' is something of a one-off, only in New York, stranger then fiction tale of the relationship between man and animals.
It's the classic name that's always in fashion. And whether it's JLo, Jenny, Jennifer or just Jen - we can't get enough of them! It means "white shadow or white wave" (Nameberry), and remains a favourite name by parents of all generations. So inspired by our favourite Jennifer of them all (Aniston), we've put together our list of Top Ten Jen's for today, tomorrow and all days...
Swift reminds me of a Queen Bee in secondary school. The head of the cool group that holds the power to approve or deny entry to the posse. Say what you want about Kim and Kanye but they are brutally open and honest, often to the point where it's shocking and socially frowned upon... I rate that raw (and sometimes embarrassing and socially awkward) honesty more than people being fake or lying. At least you know where you stand.
Moana is a story of self-discovery following a kickass 16-year-old who goes on an adventure to find a banished god, instead of Prince Charming. Her ultimate aim is to save the world. It couldn't be more different from the children's films my generation grew up with.
There's no point in pretending otherwise, this week is decidedly less A-list. Last week was 'Strictly Come Dancing', this week it's a bit more 'Dancing On Ice', but let's just get stuck in regardless, shall we? Here are three of the biggest new tunes for this week...