POLITICS

Is This Jared And Ivanka's 21-Minute Sex Playlist?

When two personal brands love each other very much.

25/10/2017 22:40 BST | Updated 26/10/2017 15:07 BST
Aaron P. Bernstein via Getty Images

On Oct. 25, 2009, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump pledged their undying devotion to each other in front of 500 of their family members and friends. Now, eight years later, to celebrate the anniversary of their blessed union, it appears that our country’s foremost power couple will enjoy a tight 21 minutes of sweet, presumably missionary-style love-making with 2004 pop sensation James Blunt crooning in their ear. We can surmise this thanks to Spotify.

 Because, reader, on Sunday, Oct. 15, Ivanka Trump made this playlist:

Spotify

The 21-minute-long collection of songs is as horny as it is depressing. The playlist evokes motionless, antiseptic coitus. It evokes two Tide pens in a plastic sale tub. It evokes Lysol wipes. It evokes the smooth, genderless slopes of a couple of undressed dolls. This is sex music only in the sense that two pages pressed together in a new Williams Sonoma catalog is sex.

How can we be so sure this is about sex, you wonder? For starters, consider that this is the first public playlist Ivanka has made since her 2015 banger, “Holiday Party,” and that it is also the only one she has ever made with such a cryptic title. (The rest bear names like “Walk to Work” and “Weekend Morning.”) Should you google the playlist’s title, “991122,” the vast majority of your results would relate to the corresponding HTML color code, a deep red, which prompts the images you see below:

Google Images

Pair all this with the knowledge that the list was made just 10 days before the couple’s anniversary, and it’s hard to see this as anything but their 21-minute sex playlist. Still, admittedly, it is not definitive proof.

There are, however, some things we can know for certain. The Spotify account, for instance, definitely belongs to Ivanka. Back in 2014, Ivanka Trump shared her “Weekend Morning” playlist on her website, IvankaTrump.com. The embedded list — which contains such aggressively uninteresting hits as “Send Me On My Way” by Rusted Root and “Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson — was created by the same Ivanka Trump who created the apparent 21-minute sex playlist in question. 

We also know that the couple (or at least the Ivanka half of it) has a history of getting sentimental over songs—especially those that hold some sort of significance to their relationship. In 2013, while talking about giving birth to her first child, Arabella, Ivanka told Fit Pregnancy magazine that she and Jared “made a playlist for the delivery of all the songs from our relationship. Arabella was actually born while my wedding song, ‘This Year’s Love’ by David Gray, was playing. It was a coincidence, but it was cool!” 

Though we can’t know for sure how these specific songs might be important to Jared and Ivanka’s pure, carefully scheduled love, we can take some educated guesses. In John Legend’s “All of Me,” for instance, Legend sings, “Even when I lose I’m winning.” Jared and Ivanka are both notorious workaholics, with Ivanka even telling New York in 2009, “Jared and I are very similar in that we’re very ambitious.” In the song “Ordinary People,” the line “I know I misbehaved and you made your mistakes” might be an allusion to Ivanka’s initial hesitancy in converting to Judaism. A true shonda.

Then, in Bruno Mars’ “When I Was Your Man,” we hear “Oh, I know I’m probably much too late/To try and apologize for my mistakes,” a clear reference to Jared’s failure in brokering Middle East peace. “You’re Beautiful” is of course a reference to the fact that they are sexually attracted to one another, while “When We Were Young” alludes to the fact that they are both, in fact, “young.” 

So, is this Ivanka and Jared’s 21-minute sex playlist? The verdict here is a lusty yes. And if you, too, want to make love for 21 minutes like Jared and Ivanka, just grab a partner, put on this playlist, and be born to millionaire parents who thrust vitally important jobs onto you for which you are grossly unqualified. Enjoy!