LIFESTYLE

Mum's Hilarious Recount Of Flatulent First Yoga Session Will Crack You Up

'I farted at yoga. I'm a walking cliché. My pelvic floor has failed me.'

20/07/2017 12:53

A mum has told of the horrifying moment she passed wind loudly during her first ever yoga class - and her tale has everyone in stitches.

Laura Mazza, a blogger at ‘Mum on the Run’, said having kids left her with muscle separation, where the abdominal muscles move apart. To help with the problem, her physiotherapist suggested she went to yoga.

Unfortunately, she soon realised all of those downward-facing dog and dolphin poses were wreaking havoc down below. She’d also been experiencing IBS-like symptoms in the weeks leading up to it, which resulted in a regrettable noise (and smell) escaping her bottom.

The mum-of-two shared an incredibly funny and detailed post about her experience on Facebook, which received over 2,500 reactions. 

Setting the scene for her 39,000 Facebook fans, she wrote: “We got into the [yoga] class and it was dark and there were candles everywhere.

“Everyone was talking to each other and the trainer, yoga master, limber Yoda, whatever, was talking to everyone and like talking to them, she was saying ‘how’s Daryl and his leg?’ And I’m there hiding in the corner thinking, ‘please for the love of god do not notice me’. 

“Everyone’s taking off their socks and I’m thinking ‘oh lord, my toes are hairy and I didn’t shave them’ - I only dry-shaved my ankles in case my pants ride up.”

The yoga class began and, at first, things seemed to be running smoothly - until everyone was asked to move into the downward-facing dog pose.

“That’s when I started to feel my guts,” Mazza recalled, explaining she’d been experiencing IBS-like symptoms for the past few weeks which had left her farts smelling like a mix between ”a rotten egg and an incineration plant”.

The next bit is where everything went pear-shaped. 

“Somewhere between the dolphin position and the three-legged dog, two of those burning garbage eggs slipped out and I farted,” she recalled in horror.

“I farted. I farted at yoga. I’m a walking cliché. My pelvic floor has failed me.”

Thankfully, nobody seemed to notice. But she then had to move into a pose which involved putting her head between her legs, at which point the smell hit her “like a punch in the nose”.

She decided to stay, despite the flatulence worries, and moved into a floor position. But that’s when things took a serious turn for the worse.

“We then go down on this position where we stretch right out but our legs are like a frog on the floor,” she explained.

“The teacher then came around and pushed everyone down lower... I thought ‘oh good, gonna get a nice crack in my back again’. I hold in my butthole nice and tight to make sure no farts escape again. She comes over... pushes my back down... and buuuuuuuuuurrppppfffffff. The loudest trumpet comes out of my ass.”

At this point, an incredibly mortified Mazza decided it was time to leave. 

“I turn around just as I’m closing the door and look up embarrassed to see everyone on their knees, wide-eyed, staring at me in shock... (or in an awake coma from the smell). And guru ashram yoga teacher looks at me, bows her head, joins her hands together and says ‘namaste’.”

Thankfully, Mazza was able to see the funny side afterwards. As did her followers. 

Tracey Schuhkraft said the post had left her crying with laughter while Jodie Webb, a self-confessed “yoga farter”, wrote: ”Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in ages. I have tears running down my face from laughing so much. Like you, I did one session and never went back.”

Mazza concluded her tale: “Sorry physio. I’m never ever ever EVER doing yoga again. Fuck the muscle separation.”

[H/T Babble]

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