Women Reveal What They Get Up To When Their Partner Isn't Around

'Removing my 'bubes'.'

09/02/2017 10:25 | Updated 09 February 2017

We realise society expects women to be fart-free, hair-free, elegantly swishing through life like a Pantene advert, but the reality is that we’re human, and therefore capable of all sorts of grubbiness and oddities.

Most of us prefer to shield our partners from this until we really need to (or they’re in love with us and therefore too invested to escape). 

1. Slobbing 

“I will literally just leave my garbage and clothes everywhere and live like a slob, I’ll do a five-minute tidy when I get that ‘on my way home’ text and he’s never been the wiser.

“Just waiting for the day he comes home early and I’m sitting half-naked on the couch with empty chip bags surrounding me and me picking crumbs out of my cleavage.”

CJRosexx

2. Passing Wind

“For some reason, I am very gassy first thing in the morning. So I get up, go into the bathroom, and fart my way though my makeup routine. So far he hasn’t said a word.”

Anotherface95

“I let the foghorn rip in the shower every morning. Echoes beautifully off the walls. Then I put a leg up on the counter during the makeup phase to ease the coming winds. Bless his heart he sleeps like a rock.”

terningene

“Sometimes I fart in my hands and then release it like a dove.”

soulfuljuice

 3. Eating Like A Savage 

“I eat prison style, yet have never been to prison.”

Murkee420

“Eat as if someone is going to take it away from me.”

meowdryhepurrrn

“I get bacon and cheese fries delivered to the house. I know he’d be upset because he would want to eat them, and I don’t feel like sharing.”

Marimorx

4. Hair Removal 

“Stand in front of my magnifying mirror for hours and squeeze every pore and pluck every errant hair. It’s thrilling.”

“I’ll... pluck my ginger unibrow that I’ve managed to keep hidden from him for 3 years. And my three chin hairs.”

“Shave my legs etc. Guys always want to take showers together, and I’m like I have some serious work to do in there leave me alone.”

“Boob pubes. Bubes. I pluck ‘em. There’s just like 4 or 5, I get rid of them before special occasions. Makes me feel extra fanceh.”

MrsWhyNot

5. ‘Luxury Poops’

“I’m at a point where I know he wouldn’t care at all but it’s like I’m just so potty trained not to go at his place from earlier in the relationship, I can’t relax enough to do it until I’m in the comfort of my own bathroom.” 

“I have luxury poops.... I’ll roll a joint, sit on the toilet, watch Netflix on my tablet, maybe bring in a coffee.... just poop for like 30 minutes. My bathroom is super comfy.”

DreyaNova

7. Masturbate 

“Ah the glorious feeling of just rubbing one out without having to worry about anyone else or cleaning up a mess.”

GinevraWPotter

 

6. Quality Time With Boobs 

“Play with my boobs. Like, nonsexy boob play like pushing them together or wiggling them one at a time while going “boing, boing,” things like that.”

RogueGoneRogue30

“I caught my wife holding a boob in each hand pretending they’re wings. I silently slipped back out of the room.. still think it’s hilarious.”

Chewyisthecone 

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