LIFESTYLE

10 Of The Worst Things The World Has Ever Done To Coffee

Won't everyone just leave us alone.

11/04/2017 10:43 | Updated 19 May 2017

For centuries humans have been relying on the sweet taste of coffee to give them the energy they need to get through the day.

And while we are not going to pretend we aren’t partial to an almond-milk-double-shot flat white from time to time, we know where to draw the line.

But disappointingly, the same can’t be said for the rest of the world who seem hellbent on destroying our sacred cup of coffee with these ten new caffeine innovations (and plenty more).

1. Goth lattes.

Now you can re-live your teenage goth years every morning with a suspiciously black coffee. Technically known as a charcoal latte (as in, containing activated charcoal) it can apparently do wonders for helping to detox your digestive system and clearing out toxins. We’re still not convinced you should ever be drinking black liquid though... 

2. Coffee in bagels. 

In the morning we need all the caffeinated help we can get, but even for us it seems a step too far to require our food to also be our drink. Einstein Bros Bagels in the USA (where else) have started serving caffeinated “boosted bagels” on their breakfast menu. What was wrong with just having food AND a drink? Oh well, as your grandad would say, it’s all headed to the same place. 

3. Unicorn Coffee

In 2017 it seems we have all reverted to being seven-year-old girls because we won’t buy anything unless it is branded as a unicorn. That’s right, unicorn hair, unicorn shoes, and now unicorn Frappuccino’s.

The new Starbucks drink (only available in the USA) says it is “only available if you believe” - and obviously the thing you need to believe is that you are impermeable to diabetes with that much sugar and cream in a single beverage.

4. Coffee with salt. 

If there’s one thing we love more in the world than caffeine, it’s sugar. And the combination of the two is the only thing getting us out of bed on a Monday morning.

But now, because the world is cruel and unfair, scientists want us all to start adding a different white crystal to our beverage instead. Salt. That’s right, they want to turn our delicious coffee into faux-seawater as supposedly the sodium suppresses bitterness and enhances flavour. No thank you.

5. Bulletproof coffee.

Bulletproof coffee has been around for a few years now, but we can’t pretend that the passing of time has made this nauseating concoction any easier to swallow.

To us, the mixture of butter, oil and caffeine just sounds like the quickest way to execute an emergency evacuation of our digestive tract, and we’re not willing to take that risk on a packed tube train.

6. Fizzy coffee.

Ever wanted to mix Coca Cola with your espresso? Yeah, us neither. But because no one cares what we think, fizzy coffee has reached the shores and coffee shops of the UK before we could say, no-we’ll-pass-thanks.

Doing exactly what it promises on the tin, fizzy coffee is the combination of sparkling water and caffeine. At least it’s keeping you a little more hydrated?

7. Latte with turmeric. 

In another instance of ‘hipsters keep your paws off my coffee’ 2017 has seen baristas trying to force us all into adding turmeric to our lattes. Not only does it turn the whole thing yellow, which totally does not match our Instagram theme, but it makes our coffee taste a whole lot less like coffee and like health instead.

Not on board.

8. Coffee with gin. 

Just because we like a drink, it doesn’t mean we want it integrated into every cup of liquid that passes our lips throughout the day.

We will happily knock back one (or two, or three) gin and tonics of an evening, but that doesn’t mean we want a shot of Gordon’s in our morning brew. But because nothing is sacred ‘Turbo Gin’ has combined caffeine with a G&T. Life comes at you fast.

9. Coffee that promises a 72-hour erection. 

When did anyone ever think that the beverage we all use to get us through the working day needed to have the added functionality of an erection? Seriously, try explaining that one to your boss. The makers of ‘Stiff Bull’ coffee claim it can wake you up in more ways than one (and keep you there for three days). 

Won’t somebody think of the children?

10. Deconstructed coffee.

One of our favourite things about not making our own coffee at home and paying (huge) amounts of money for someone else to make our coffee, is that we don’t have to do it.

But apparently asking a trained barista to make your coffee is a step too far in our modern world, instead you’ll be served all the necessary ingredients and have to work it out for yourself. Stop the world, we want to get off.

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