My Top Toddler Toilet Training Tales

02/08/2016 10:58

It is probably true that, like soft play, every parent blogger has a potty training blog in them.

It's an inevitable part of raising toddlers and if my experience is anything to go by, there will be a tale or two to tell afterwards.

After a bit of a false start back around Christmas time, and the dawning realisation that (contrary to what I had hoped) she probably wasn't going to wake up one morning and decide to use the toilet of her own volition with no effort at all required on my part, I thought it was probably time to crack on with potty training with the big one. Two lots of nappies is a chore and an expense, the poo becomes more and more offensive and the sneaking off to do it in private and then denying all knowledge and blaming the baby was getting old.

It's actually gone surprisingly well. We've had the odd accident, the fairly regular screaming tantrum when she's doing the wee-wee dance but engrossed in something exciting like trying to score a piggyback from her much smaller brother and doesn't want to be dragged away, but all in all we are - I'd say (touch wood) - pretty much there.

So I apologise if this is the 302,394th potty training blog that you've read this week... But I might as well get it out of the way early; I present to you my top toddler toilet training tales from the first month of potty training:

1. The one where she took the piss, literally

For the first week or so, each morning when she woke up, I'd take her to sit on the potty. After a while of doing this she was fairly dry at night so we switched to a pull-up. She took this as a sign that she should take herself to the potty in the morning which I heartily approved of. One step closer to independence and all that.

However the next step for her was deciding that she no longer needed my help in emptying it, which resulted in several potties full of wee being dragged through her room and across the landing. Thank goodness I am in possession of a decent carpet cleaner.

2. The one where she took the piss, figuratively

We had just pulled on to the M20 and she decided she desperately needed a wee, despite having had one not five minutes earlier. Not wanting to risk it, we pulled onto the hard shoulder only to find that it was all LIES.

She did not really need a wee; she wanted to stop the car because she had dropped a pom bear. Sneaky.

3. The one where she did a wee on my new shoes

The sandals in question, pre-wee
We were on our way home from toddler group which, even at toddler speed, is only about ten minutes. Just seconds beforehand, she had had quite vocally confirmed in front of a room of singing toddlers and their parents that she did NOT NEED A WEE WEE MUMMY and, not wanting a fight, we set off home.

After leaving the church hall and crossing the road she proclaimed that she did in fact need a wee wee. Barely had we swerved onto a grass verge and pulled the trousers down (my plan was to work on appropriateness as soon as we'd mastered the basics) when she went... all over my brand new, pristine, white sandals.

I had been gifted these after attending a launch evening at a new shoe shop, and they were and are some of the comfiest shoes I'd ever worn. After trying on almost every pair in the shop I was pretty pleased with my choice; I did fleetingly consider that they might not be the most practical colour in footwear, but dammit I liked them and so I got them.

I wore them over the weekend and was amazed that they hadn't rubbed at all and were still as white and pristine as they had been in the shop. I actually can rock white shoes, I thought.

Well, someone put quite the dampener on that. THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS. (They're OK now... after a bit of a scrub).

4. The one which could have been so much worse

The kids were finally in bed and all was quiet. I was drying my hair after a fun bath time adventure with the children. The glass of wine I had been thinking about since tantrum o'clock was so close I could taste it... and then I heard a noise; the door to their bedroom had been opened and out came the toddler holding her potty which contained, for want of a better turn of phrase, a mammoth turd.

I suppose I should be grateful that I intercepted her on the way to deposit it into the toilet. Sadly, she woke up her sleeping brother in the process and we spent a good 45 minutes getting them both back to bed.

Wine denied.

5. The one where daddy forgot the pull up

She'd been dry in the day for under a week and somehow he just forgot to put one on. That was fun to wake up to.

6. The one with the 3am potty trip

I was really pleased when she started using the potty at night and even more pleased when she stopped trying to empty it herself. Until I kicked the bastard thing over when checking on a moaning baby at 3am.

Not even sorry
7. The one where the dog disgraced himself

She hasn't quite got the hang of grabbing a book, getting comfy and settling herself down for the long haul. Her parents are both experts at this so it's almost surprising. She often gets bored half way through a number two and gets up and wanders round which is not ideal.

Today, she was ensconced on the empty potty in the garden when her brother awoke from his nap. When I returned carrying a fairly grumpy child, she was running around the garden. Meanwhile the dog was in the corner looking mildly suspicious. I don't even want to discuss what was going on.

This post first appeared on Whinge Whinge Wine. If you'd like to read more from Frances and the Whingelets, you can find them over on Facebook.