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Georgy Jamieson Headshot

The One Down On The Farm

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The boy used to be obsessed with animals!

One of hubbies sisters lives on a farm and when we visited last April, during lambing season, the boy woke up every morning asking for the "Ba,Bas"

How quickly time flies. The fickle finger of fate has moved on from being stuck up the cow's arse of life and is now tinkering with all things mechanical!

Basically if it doesn't have wheels and an engine the boy just doesn't want to know!

I only wish he'd happened to mention this too me before I paid for us to go to a local farm for the afternoon.

Don't get me wrong the boy's "Nanu" obsession has hardly gone unnoticed but I foolishly thought he might still hold a place in his heart for a four legged friend.

No such luck!

Pigs? They go oink and are pink- ish. Do they have a blue flashing light on their heads? No? Next?

Sheep? Dull. Do they save people from fires? Can I ride on their backs? No? Moving on!

Butterflies? Mum you're taking the piss now. They don't even have legs let alone wheels! It's too hot in here and I'm bored! Lets go! NOW!!!

The boy got fractious, tired, hot and arsey.

Never a good combination.

"Let's look at the chicken's" I suggested hopefully.

Just as we reached "chicken world", which did include ducks and geese as well, a man arrived on a ride on lawn mower.

This was more like it!

"Nanu. Nanu. Nanu!" the boy screamed. Finally something that goes!

The boy watched in raptures as the man cut the grass.

We could've sat at the side of the A14 and watched a man from the council do that for nothing.

The guy cutting the grass cut the engine and looked over at us as the boy clung to the fence around the chicken enclosure.

"The bottom of that fence is electrified" he warned me, then started on his task again.

Evil thoughts of calming the boy down with shock therapy raced through my mind!

I pulled him away. Shortly the mowing finished. The boy was distraught.

"Would you like to go in and see the chickens?" I ventured as a distraction to his impending tantrum

We went in. Hippy Chick and Mini Hippy Chick were with us. They fed the birds, who seeing the corn, flocked around us at an alarming rate.

This was too much for the boy. The lawnmower was gone and all he had left was chickens, he couldn't even eat, pecking at his feet!

In the best toddler tradition the bottom lip went first, then the tears fell and then the screaming set in.

I have discovered nothing comes between a chicken and it's supper. Not even an 18 month old, fire engine obsessed child, having a complete paddy.

One nil to the chickens.

I put the boy back in his buggy and we went for an ice cream.

On the way back he spotted two large blue lorries near the bouncy castle. They were pumping sewage so the engines were running continuously.

He didn't want to bounce about with Mini Hippy Chick and the others. Oh no! The boy wanted to watch the lorries. They were completely stationary and stank to high heaven but that was what the boy wanted.

"You could've given me £4.50 and he could've just watched my car in the car park." Hippy Chick mused.

The smell of the sewage and the irony of Hippy Chick's remark was too much for me.

I gave up and took boy home.

Once in the car he was as right as rein.

"Car. Car. Nanu." he pointed and exclaimed at every vehicle on our journey back, smiling and waving at all the motorists.

So note to self. Next time take him to the transport museum and if you think the boy needs a dose of animal magic then just let him watch Big Barn Farm!

It'll be cheaper......