THE BLOG

The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Cats

14/06/2017 09:49

All photos of Mr Bojangles are by the author

1) Highly effective cats don't need to be doing stuff all the time

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I'm not saying that effective cats get a lot done without being overly busy - they're just not interested in getting things done. They do as little as possible. And what they do best is nothing at all; they're better at creatively doing nothing than anyone else in the universe.

Highly effective cats understand the importance of delegation. This is because cats don't need to be motivated - only humans and dogs need motivation. So they let other people do everything - apart from killing something small and furry, once in a while. And even then they don't eat it.

2) Highly effective cats know the importance of getting plenty of sleep

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Successful cats use sleep for a far wider range of applications than any other organism you care to name. They deal with boredom by falling asleep. They deal with stress by falling asleep. Likewise they cope with rejection, excitement, anger, sadness, decision-making, unhappy memories, indigestion, plotting revenge - anything that you and I would deal with by taking action - by falling asleep.

Highly effective cats put the world to rights by falling asleep. They must have really good dreams.

3) Highly effective cats know that there is no-one else in the universe more important than themselves

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Effective cats are The Boss; they're the boss over dogs, over other cats, and especially over people. Cats do not suffer from low self-esteem.

Effective cats love themselves one hundred per cent. They know how important their own comfort is. No room is too hot for them, no bed too soft and no armchair too cosy. And their favourite armchair will always be the one that's just been vacated by someone who got up to make a cup of tea and is intending to return immediately, but of course now cannot.

Effective cats know the importance of shameless self-pampering. And they know that you are what you eat. So if you eat cheap food, what would that make you? Cheap, of course. Totally unacceptable.

4) Highly effective cats are inexplicable and enigmatic, unpredictable and contrary.

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As soon as you think you've worked out how your highly effective cat functions, they'll do something to turn things upside down. They'll sleep for six hours, then wake up and race up the curtains and down the lamp in a fit of mad scattiness, then fall asleep again. They do this deliberately - it's something they cultivate, to keep you on your toes. It helps them with their other goals in life, too - like taking over the best furniture, getting ever more expensive cat food, being the boss and sleeping whenever they want. It gives the impression of being more emotionally complex than they really are.

So they change their minds all the time - that is, when they're bothering to use their minds, which isn't actually a great deal of the time. So they'll always be keeping up their sleeve the slight possibility that after ten years of you providing them with comfort, affection and ever more expensive cat food, they might just take it into their heads to disappear and never be seen. If they do, it's nothing personal but you'll be left thinking it was all your fault. How do they do that?

5) Highly effective cats are totally in control

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Effective cats can get you to do exactly what they want, without ever revealing just how in control they really are. They know how to get people to love them to an extraordinary degree, using some subtle kind of sustained hypnosis that we'll never understand, and then they twist you round their little claw. Total manipulation, without ever looking like a control freak. Soft power, or what? Incredible.

To back this up, they also lack morals and are extremely good at deviousness and lying. 'No, of course I haven't been fed, I swear. You must have forgotten to feed me, even though you're sure you have. Would I lie to you? {delivered with masterful endearingness)'. They can tell which of your guests don't like cats and will make a bee-line for them, knowing the victim will have to feign affection. Any rapid-onset allergic reaction is a bonus.

6) Highly effective cats are mistresses of love without attachment

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They fool us with this one, too. They're not frightened of intimacy, though. They know that both partners must play their role in any intimate relationship; your role is being totally and unconditionally committed to them, and theirs is to do whatever they like, whenever they like, and with whomever they like. This goes very well with habit #4, and the slight but ever-present possibility of a permanent disappearing act.

They also know very well about our ludicrous habit of attributing favourable human attributes to them. So they let us keep our illusions that they're lovingly devoted to us. Most of us will never know the difference.

7) Highly effective cats - well, all cats really - understand the pointlessness of existence.

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And they're completely at ease with the concept. Why would there need to be a point in existence? Having a point would be pointless. Apart from providing opportunities to sleep, of course.

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