I'm a Learner Driver, Leave me alone!

04/03/2014 14:39 GMT | Updated 04/05/2014 10:59 BST

At the ripe age of 29 (and a half) I have decided to learn to drive. Again. At 18 I started lessons back home in Northampton, and nearly crashed. A lot. In the space of a year, I took two tests, failed both and badly too. In one test I nearly ran over someone. I just couldn't get that clutch control.

So, for my 29th birthday in November, I set about completing a list of thirty things I wanted to achieve before I reached 30. Some were silly, some were big. If I complete half of the list I will have had a good year. One of my things to undertake was to pass my driving test. Not so small. In fact, for someone of my driving ability, this is looking likely to be the one thing on the list I don't manage to complete.

So, I set about taking lessons.

I've been with Tuncay my instructor now for around 8 weeks. I speak like it's a relationship, because it is. We shout. I nearly kill someone. He puts the breaks on. We eventually make up. It's very much how I imagine most marriages going. Overall, I am doing a lot better than I did 10 years ago. For a starter, I now know what a clutch is, and where it is. (Da daaaaaaa.)

It has though, shocked and sickened me to the core how London drivers are.

I don't know which whey anyone is going, because apparently once you pass your test you don't have to bother with an indicator, and secondly, I am clearly a learner. You may notice this by the big 'F off' L on the top of this Ford Focus I am driving. You may also notice it by my poor ability to control the clutch. So, why 'oh' why does every London bellend driver decide to sit up my ass? And not only that, but in today's lesson, some weapon in a car covered in 'Hello Kitty' (the fact that you have to be over 17 to drive in the UK and this girl still insists on decorating her car in a stupid cartoon cat PROVES what a weapon she is), actually BEEPED at me and stuck a finger up, for doing a 20 in a 20 mile zone. Now drivers, I am aware that once you lose your 'L' plates you also lose the ability to remember the rules, but please, for your sake, stop bullying learners. I was THIS close to putting my breaks on and letting that cocky little cowbag smash into the back of me, because as we all know, it will be her fault not mine, and I would have taken immense pleasure reminding her that.

We are in London. We are going nowhere fast. So slow down, there is no reason to be so aggressive on the road, especially in a city full of pedestrians running out and kids on their way to school.

We were all learners once. So, a word of warning. The next time someone beeps, I might not be so polite. I might decide it's at that exact moment I decide to practice my emergency stop. Don't be that impatient car behind me.

London, you have been warned.