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Top 5 Sex Tips For Men!

11/06/2013 15:08 BST | Updated 10/08/2013 10:12 BST

Take Control!

There's nothing a woman likes more than a man who knows what he wants and goes out and gets it. It's all about the subliminal messaging, guys. So thrill her subconscious by masterminding a plot to steal the final seat on the bus from under the decrepit derriere of an old man with a walking stick while screaming obscenities in his face! (She'll adore your rugged determination and caveman-like refusal to respect your elders!) Or undermine your boss at work by only putting half a sugar in his tea when he asks for a full teaspoon! Either way, your maniacal hyper-aggression is sure to get her lust zones palpitating!

Be Sensitive!

Women love sensitive guys. I should know; I married one!! Demonstrate your sensitivity by sobbing uncontrollably at any given moment, like when the supermarket cashier hands you the receipt for your weekly shop, or as the postman gently but firmly slides the latest Argos catalogue through your tight, vulnerable mailbox. The hot, salty deluge of water and mucus flowing from your eyesockets and noseholes will remind her of what she's missing in the bedroom, and your howls of unpredictable anguish will set the tone for a night of passionate lovemaking!

Get Steamy!

It's a biological fact that females of all kinds can't resist steam. So introduce an industrial strength carpet steamer into your bedroom frolics. She won't know that in the context of carpet cleaning, "steam cleaning" is usually a misnomer for or mischaracterisation of the hot water extraction cleaning method! (Actual steam could damage man-made carpet fibres or shrink natural fibres such as wool!)

Dress It Up!

Vampires are hot! Women (and us guys!!) can't get enough of them. But sadly vampires are fictional, and dressing up as one will only make you look like an idiot. ANNOYING! Here's the thing, though -try dressing as an UMPIRE and see if she notices the missing and/or substituted letters. If she doesn't, it's GAME ON!!! If she does, you can still keep it sexy by discussing other words which are similar, such as brisket and bucket, or lamb and lamp.

Be Prepared!

Just like scouts, women love men who wear badges. Award yourself one badge for each day you have resisted the urge to punch your own stupid face in, and proudly display those badges on a giant dress shirt which obscures your entire body! REMEMBER: YOU ARE THE BEST!!

This article originally appeared on the pages of respected and influential publication A Great Magazine.