THE BLOG

The Job Market

31/05/2013 17:01 BST | Updated 30/07/2013 10:12 BST

Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.

Confucious

So two months ago I decided it's finally time I got a "real job" I've had a crack at show biz and it just hasn't worked out. Time to get up at 8.00 and take a tube ride to the land of broken dreams along with 2 million other Londoners every day. I'll do my comedy in the evening and on the weekend. During the week I'll make a worthwhile contribution to our great society that allows cuts to disability benefits and votes in people who were funny on a panel show. I'll don a head-set and chain myself to a computer or whatever it is a job is these days.

Here's the thing 2 months later and after checking job sites on a daily basis I am no closer to deciphering what half the jobs I'm looking at even are. I don't think the people posting them even know. What's an Editorial Operations Coordinator? or a Search Account Executive? My brain scrambles when I read stuff like this - This company has successfully pioneered the open access publishing model and brought open access to the mainstream. Who's reading that and going "they've bought open access publishing to the mainstream, where do I sign up?" And are they human?

Saw this job advertisement the other day. Head Of Data: The right individual for this position and company will be an inspirational leader, passionate about digital technologies, data audiences and their capabilities. Great Leader and passionate about data? Sorry guys Ghengis Khan died 1000 years ago so good luck filling that position. Who's going to be a great leader and passionate about data? Anyone passionate about data surely hasn't seen sunlight for ten years. "Hey John why don't you have any friends?" ROBOT VOICE "Because friends would eat into my time for absorbing data." I'm trying to imagine what a motivational speech about data would even sound like.

Also in every job advert they always say you need good communication skills. "Sorry, I find the best way to communicate my ideas is by smashing someones head in with a hammer." If you don't have good communication skills you are not a human being you are a reptile and probably can't even operate a computer to fill out an application in the first place. The other platitude so fond of employers is "excellent organizational skills". "Sorry I'm late for the interview I thought you wore pants as a hat and shoes were the same things as gloves." They might as well just write looking for a human being who knows what legs are used for.

Then you've got the jobs that the only reason anyone is applying for is because they need the money; yet that doesn't stop the employers insisting on asking you why you want this job just in case they've stumbled across the next Kofi Annan. "Well when NASA rejected my astronaut application for the 5th time I thought time to pursue my other dream stacking shelves at Tesco" Why do you think I'm applying for a job here! it's because I don't have a degree and society doesn't want me to be an international movie star.

The whole thing was making me angry and frustrated, then it dawned on me I'd found a job. It's looking for a job. Yeah it's unpaid and yes there is no clear career path but at least it keeps me busy. Fingers crossed I'm not in line for a promotion anytime soon.