1.'When are you due?' I've had this. Ouch. I did ugly crying. For a week.
2. When your baby is crying some flipping smart arse will pipe up with 'have you tried feeding them?' What do you want us to do? Slap our heads in disbelief and say 'you are a blinking genius, who on earth knew babies need regular feeding?' (Answer- everyone, even Old Mr Corke from down the road who still thinks babies are mythical creatures)
3. 'What is his/her name?' Do NOT guess the gender of the baby, it's a risky game - all babies look like squashed fruit so consider them genderless pears. When in doubt USE CUES. Particularly manly female babies will probably be sporting a bow hairband or some pink accessories. Do not look at the pink buggy, the pink coat and proclaim the baby a 'bonnie lad' This has also happened to me (well, my eldest, I, of course, was a feminine flower of a baby)
4. 'I am so tired, I think watching daytime tv is wearing me out' My bestfriend actually said this to me. Now she has her own bundle of endless (read 24 hour) joy so it's ok, but for a while she was struck off the Christmas card list.
5. 'Look at (insert celeb name/mutual friend) Don't they look amazing just 25 mins after giving birth.' Listen- some people look great in life and some people don't. Let's not compare yeah? How would you like it if you'd just run a marathon and I whipped a mag out and showed you a pic of Cheryl Fernadypants and said 'oh look she ran one too and she looks much better than you, oh - and she ran it faster.'
6. 'It's the hormones'. Yeah, could be. I do have a multitude of different hormones in my body now. Or it could be that I've spent the last 9 months growing a human and have recently had to evacuate it out of my lady garden and I'm feeling a little traumatised, ok? (Sob)
7. 'What is your routine?' Routines are great for some but generally newborns don't have one and most first time mums' routines in the first few days are: get up (if slept), keep baby alive and happy, go to bed (when and where possible), If that is achieved consider your day a success #inyourfaceGinaFord.
8. 'What are you doing today?' This. I am doing this. Seeing you, sitting here in this coffee shop has taken days of forward preparation and planning. I packed this nappy bag last night whilst practicing folding the buggy up and down. You are my Everest and I'm stopping short of climbing up you and putting a flag on your head simply because I am too effing tired.
So, what should you say? Before you get mournful and buy an 'in loving memory' card for their fanny just have a word with yourself. Tell them they look great, they're doing really well and make them a brew, just the same as before they were a new mum really.