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The Anti-Competitive Mother's Guide to Halloween with a Toddler...

29/10/2015 09:15 GMT | Updated 28/10/2016 10:12 BST

Yep.

Halloween.

That time of year where full grown adults with proper jobs and everything dress themselves up as half-sewn, blood-soaked, scantily-clad twats in the name of commercialisation, and consume ridiculous amounts of alcohol in exotic shades of green and orange in the name of All Hallows Eve...

But to parents.... It's war. (With pumpkins.)

It may seem innocent and charming... But it's not. Facebook is transformed into a never-ending timeline of identical pint-sized pumpkin-children, and panic begins to set in on local mummy-forums as news of supermarkets selling out of costumes filters down through the ranks... SHIT.

Yes. It's yet another occasion that shows up my complete lack of craft skills, redundancy of energy and complete inability to NOT leave abso-f@*king-lutely everything to the last minute... I consider it a practice run for Christmas when even more effort will be made by mass consumerism to make me feel completely inadequate and a total turd of a lazy excuse for a parent... Ho, ho, ho.

So, for everyone joining me on the last-minute-Halloween-shitness-train (yes a thing), here is a run down of what we all know will really happen...

What you thought you'd do:

Spend weeks researching and sourcing a fabulous original costume, adding your own personal details and hat stabilisation, matching accessories, hair styling and expert face paint... Frankly Jim Henson will be knocking the shitting door down once that's spotted on twitter.

What you did...

Went to Tescos that morning and fought off a seven year old with your teeth for the last remaining, slightly-wonky witches hat. Sent the toddler to nursery in last year's tights, slightly sweaty, with a badly drawn spider painted between her eyes. #win

What you thought you'd do:

Transform your home into a Ghostly Grotto of Halloween Awesomeness, one which the snotty nursery mums would be left speechless by, recreating a scene from a cult, early-90's horror movie with your amazing overnight crafty-skills and sheer awesomeness.

What you did...

Went on Pinterest. Felt shit about yourself. Bought a pumpkin and realised it's actually quite hard. Gave up and bought a packet of ghost-shaped Haribo. The end.

What you thought you'd do:

Lovingly prepare a feast of hand crafted ghastly goodies which you could take smug wanky photos of to put all over Instagram.

What you did...

Ordered Dominos. (The Halloween Special)

What you thought you'd do:

Host a sensational spooky party that MTV would be lucky to televise, inviting friends and family from across the land to be entertained by your terrifying fabulousness.

What you did...

Watched Freddie Vs Jason in your pants. While the toddler foraged for spare pizza crusts and sofa raisins...

What you thought you'd do:

Pimp up your doorstep like a pumpkin-laden runway, ready to receive trick or treaters in epic style.

What you did...

Turned the lights out and pretended to be out. While eating secret Haribo in bed... Crying a bit...

Same time next year guys... Same time next year...

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