The heatwave has finally arrived, and here's how to survive it if you've got small people in tow:
- Liberally apply suncream before leaving the house... so you can leave for your day out with everyone already crying, all your clothes ruined and a baby you can no longer control because each time you pick them up they pop out of your arms like a human Calippo.
- Don't forget to pack more for one sunny-day-outing than you would do to emigrate. Then when you arrive realise you've forgotten nappies. And any form of drink. Or money. (and your keys)
- Stick to 100% cotton. With it's cool, airy and completely un-bastard-wipeable-surface. And enjoy watching your child eat their chocolate ice-cream by first smashing it into their clothing before scraping it up their torso to their mouth like they've only just discovered how to use their limbs. This is also an excellent time to run out of baby wipes.
- Ensure your child wears a hat whilst in the sunshine by sellotaping it to their face under the ruse you are completing some kind of Elsa-style hair plait. Once out, remember to spend some time relaxing and enjoying the sun whilst you replace your child's hat and/or pants every 2 or 3 seconds or so... Eventually give up and bribe them with ice-cream. And a new bike.
- Discover you should have saved the ice-cream bribery for far later as they have just had a shit on the trampoline. And they're continuing to jump on it regardless. Without any shoes on.
- Opt for some easy-on footwear such as Crocs for your child, and watch as they refuse to wear them and instead opt for winter boots, or something with buckles that is at least 2 sizes too small... and will result in you needing a lot of wine later.
- Drink plenty of water. So you can enjoy the moment your toddler gives you the 3-second warning that they NEED A WEE RIGHT NOW, RIGHT NOW MUMMY, NOW as you're in the middle of breastfeeding, on a pebble beach, with about 90% of the world's baby equipment spread out on a picnic blanket in front of you, at least half a mile from any kind of public loo... *begins twitching and goes to happy place*
- Seek shade. To stop your beach-gin getting too warm. (And your babies. Or whatever.)
- Don't forget to spend the entire day keeping your kids fully protected, hydrated and entertained, whilst you burn to a dehydrated, sun-stroked husk...
- Next time, piss off to the pub with the iPad, some chips and a large gin & tonic.
#HumanBabyCalippoSuggest a correction