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Big Mac Saves Women's Lives!

09/05/2013 13:40 BST | Updated 08/07/2013 10:12 BST
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The inevitable has finally happened: McDonald's has saved someone's life!

Well, sort of. It was revealed yesterday, that in the incredible Amanda Berry case, where three women were held captive in an Ohio house for nearly ten years, the man who heard their cries and sparked the police investigation, neighbour Charles Ramsey, was in the middle of a tasty Maccy D's.

In a week where due to the laws of statistics, the top ten headlines were filled with the words 'rape', 'sex attack' and somehow even 'cannibal', Ramsey, the Internet's dream rescuer (he gives quip-filled interviews stuffed with lines like 'I knew something was wrong when I saw a pretty little white girl running into the arms of a black man'), has provided us with a little light whimsy to take the edge off.

He has also indirectly given us an interesting philosophical conundrum. Would he have been standing there at that very moment were it not for his trip to the Golden Arches? Would he have been in the right position at the right time in order to hear the women calling had it not been for his Big Mac meal? It's a bit like the butterfly effect, only if the butterfly was made of a sausage and egg McMuffin with hash brown wings. (and less Ashton Kutcher)

In some ways, it shows us that the much maligned fast food megalith can't all be that bad.

In recent years McDo's (as some people, definitely not myself, might occasionally call it), has become the figurehead for everything from globalisation to obesity, and seems to sum up many people's idea of an all-encompassing modern malaise.

The infamous pop-doc 'SuperSize Me' gave people a manifesto with which to instantly discount the corporation as evil, a part of our society that we could do without.

Of course, there are a variety of reasons you could drum up to dislike the salt-coated grease-emporium. In a way, it is the epitome of laziness and gluttony. It invented the concept of the drive-thru, which combines the dual evils of sloth with poor spelling (so ingrained is it that my spellcheck has yet to correct me).

It also introduced us to characters like the frankly terrifying burger-clown Ronald McDonald, and Grimace, an inexplicable purple blob whose own (bizarrely extensive) Wikipedia page can only describe as being 'a large purple character'.

They created gleaming, wipe-down plastic play areas where children would demand to have parties, forcing their parents to dole out Oscar worthy performances pretending they weren't disgusted at having to spend a sunny afternoon in a place that smelt of detergent and gelatine.

However, the crux of the relationship with McDonald's is one of consumer responsibility. One recent study involved a man who did "SuperSize Me", but within the daily recommend Calorie allowance, and ended up losing weight with a reduced cholesterol count. It's all about portion control.

Along with that, McDonalds' website proudly states that they their products contain absolutely no horsemeat, and according to a peculiarly sincere video from former Atomic Kitten Liz McClairnon, they are the first High Street chain to use Freedom Food Pork! (The Internet is a bottomless pit. I know everything about her.)

McDonald's isn't really that bad. If you want to eat it, it's a rare treat. If you don't, don't.

And you never know, one day it might just save your life.