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Gwyneth Paltrow's Life Advice

01/05/2013 11:50 BST | Updated 30/06/2013 10:12 BST

During a recent appearance on the Chelsea Lately show, it was revealed that Gwyneth Paltrow had once told a friend who had been arguing with their husband that the solution was to give him oral sex.

Her exact words were apparently: "Whatever you're doing, just do the opposite, go at him with love and give him a blow job."

In light of this revelation , I've managed to track down a few lesser known bits of sage advice from dear old Gwynnie, compiled from obscure interviews, personal diaries her maid accidentally threw out and my brain.

1. Sell your house and buy a series of Timeshares, so you can always be on the move. It'll be like being a gypsy. But fun and with literacy.

2. If this leaves you a bit out of pocket, get a 'sliders' loan from Wonga.com and invest in beanie babies, high street travel agents and Betamax .

3. Homeopathy.

4. Deconsolidate all your monthly payments into a wild variety of tiny little ones, so companies won't be so angry when you can't pay them back.

5. Appear in 'Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow'.

6. Don't get rid of pesky vermin around the house with rat poison, as that's just what they'd expect. Leave sweet treats, so they'll get diabetes and die slowly from secondary illnesses.

7. More Homeopathy.

8. In order to remember a name when meeting someone new, legally change your name to theirs. Then move into their house, look after their kids and go about their daily routine. This will make you look confident and assertive.

9. Appear in 'The Pallbearer', a movie where Ross from Friends is a pallbearer at a friend's funeral. Only it's a friend "He doesn't actually know!"!!!!!!! *

10. Still reeling financially from the Betamax thing? Sell a gall bladder. It'll grow back twice as strong. Like with hair removal.

11. If No.10 makes you ill, take a snifter of wolfsbane, put it in a litre of holy water. Chuck that in a swimming pool, and then get a phillipino kid you adopted to swim around in it, before eating a lock of their hair while singing my version of 'Bette Davis Eyes' from the 2000 film 'Duets'. (This is homeopathy)

12. If confronted by a wild bear, don't run away or play dead. Do the opposite, go at it with love. In fact, why not just smear yourself with peanut butter and Haribo and offer yourself up as a snack? Failing that, give it bear-head.

13. Never eat.

*Hilarity may or may not have ensued.

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