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30 Things All Men Have Thought About During Sex At One Time Or Another...

03/07/2014 15:58 BST | Updated 02/09/2014 10:59 BST

I saw a great article in the Metro about what women think about during sex and just had to respond with my own version.

Here are some things we men have thought about during sex:

1. Is she done yet?

2. Damn I should have gone for a pee before this

3. Is it going to happen? Oh please don't fail me now!

4. Can't believe I lost in the cup on FIFA the other day

5. Did she notice the sweat drip onto her?

6. That's been ages!

7. What football is on tonight?

8. I'm starving. I'm going to order a munchies box after this. Or a kebab. A kebab would be great.

9. How can I disguise a fart?

10. Chandler's knees! Chandler's ankles! Chandler's ankle hair! Ahhhhh!

11. Should I make noises so she knows I like it?

12. What even is an acceptable sex noise for a man?

13. Should I copy that move I saw in that porno the other day?

14. She just had a quiff. That's hilarious. Poker face, come on.

15. We're doing 69 and it's great but I can see her bum hole. Ewww. Keep it together. Just close your eyes.

16. Her boobies are jiggling ahahaha!

17. I'm fricking nackered!

18. It's definitely her turn on top. Come on. Suggest that you will already.

19. The sweat! It stings my eyes!

20. So is my tongue even on the clitoris?

21. Family Guy was hilarious last night

22. I wonder how penguins have sex...

23. Damn I love bacon

24. Damn I've got to sleep on these sheets after

25. Will that be long enough now?

26. I am amazing at this!

27. I hope this bed doesn't break

28. Keep the rhythm. Yup. Good rate. Nailing it.

29. I wonder if she'd mind if I went all American Psycho and pose in the mirror

30. I think I'm going to pass out! There's no blood going to my brain!

So a lot of these are shared thoughts of men AND women during sex. We have a lot of insecurities that could be resolved through better communication with a partner. Being honest and open to talk about issues that arise makes for a happier sex life. Rather than attempting telepathy, why not just verbalise your thoughts. Take that pee break and get back to it. Ask her to go on top. Ask her if she likes it and how it can be done better for her. The same goes for women too, sex is a two way (or more) expression that is more co-ordinated with some team work. You may not master things right away, but at least the practice to make it perfect for you is fun!