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Smaug Writes an Open Letter to Benedict Cumberbatch

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An open letter was posted online today from controversial embezzling dragon, Smaug, to acclaimed actor, Benedict Cumberbatch, who is set to portray the reptilian monster in the upcoming film, The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.

Smaug, who  relocated his lair to the Ecuadorian embassy after the events of the book, claims that the film intents to paint him in a negative light and has asked the Sherlock actor to reconsider his involvement in the project. The letter is posted below.

Dear Benedict,

Thank you for your attempt to contact me, I don't get many letters these days and I think I would enjoy meeting you as I am a big fan of your work and your funny name.

However, I think this film will paint me in a negative light and further the stereotype that fire-breathing, money-hoarding dragons are all a bunch of evil bastards. It is based on a deceitful book by someone who has a vendetta against me and my family and it attempts to further distort the public misconception that dragons are greedy, lazy and nasty to short people.

It was a hard decision not to meet you as I have enjoyed your previous work. I especially liked you as Legolas in The Fifth Estate, although I'm not sure why you decided to give him that ludicrously over-the-top Australian accent. I respectfully ask you to reconsider your role in the film as Jeff Romeo Romeo Tolkien, to give him his full name, was a lying shit who hates dragons due to an unfortunate incident with a Welsh flag on a drunken rugby tour in the 1971.

By meeting you, I would validate this wretched film and endorse the cynical elongation of a 200 page kids' book into a nine-hour dworgy of annoying songs and 3D bollocks. And why did the baddie in the first one have balls on his chin?

Sincerely,

Ian Smaug.

P.S. Can I have your autograph? It's for my brother.

Watch the trailer for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

This article originally appeared on CelluloidHeroes.co.uk