It is the satisfying squelch of the chocolate gateau as I smear it over the jowly face of the Right Dishonourable Gentleman in front of me that finally convinces me that turning down the post of managing director of one of the UK's largest security companies was, indeed, the right decision. To be or not to be... a captain of industry. That was the question. Accept the position and a career in security, or politely turn it down and face a possible future of insecurity as a result?
As I indulge in this farcical cream cake throwing session with a well-known MP - a client with a choux fetish? - I reflect on what possessed me to leave my highly successful career as operations director to enjoy life as a dominatrix in charge of my very own London dungeon. It wasn't a vocation my careers adviser at private school had ever suggested, that's for sure.
For 18 years I'd been suited and booted in the corporate world, slaving away for 50 and 60 hours a week. But behind that sensible exterior I was exploring my sexuality too - having an affair with a married man at work and a casual relationship with a curvy female outside of it. One Halloween night she and I accidentally stumbled - almost literally, I never could walk in six inch stiletto heels - into a fetish club in London's Soho. We paid our entrance fee, tottered up the stairs, parted some dark velvet curtains... and my life changed forever. I yelped in shock. And glee.
A huge wooden cross emerged through the fog of dry ice and darkness. A tall, bulky man was tied to it: leather trousers round his ankles; arms pulled well above his head; hands tied to the wooden posts of the cross. Behind him an enormous, overweight woman in an equally enormous leather corset, her breasts bulging over the top. She had a vicious-looking black whip and was beating the man's bare backside with it. Over and over, harder and harder. His cheeks had become a vivid shade of red. He was groaning yet crying out, "Thank you, mistress" - even as the weals visibly formed.
I was handed a whip to teasingly flog my female friend and was immediately smitten. Adrenaline and excitement surged through me. After that erotic experience, I started going to
fetish clubs several times a week. Whip in hand, I loved the sense of power and control, the adoration from the submissives at my feet. A whole new world. Empowering.
At work, redundancies loomed. I lived for the weekends and my nights out. I loathed the drive into work on a Monday morning. Whenever I whipped, my mind whirled: could I turn this horny hobby into a business? I wrote a comprehensive business plan and visited my somewhat bemused bank manager asking for a loan. Not only was he willing to give me the cash, he also enquired about coming to visit me too! So I swapped my sensible M&S shoes for thigh-length S&M boots. No longer would I be cracking the whip in a corporate world, I'd be doing it in my dungeon instead - from doling out tongue lashings to my employees to whip lashing my clients.
Bizarrely, my 'career' as a dominatrix requires similar skills to those of a corporate manager. I still focus on revenue growth and profit, but now I've tweaked my sales, marketing and leadership skills to enable me to find, tease and torment clients. The major difference is that now I am hugely passionate about, rather than indifferent to, my work. From a squirming Batman in baggy blue batpants, a Paddington Bear with a penchant for plastic pinnies, even an eight month pregnant woman, my clients' fantasies are all unique, bizarre and frequently funny.
Before meeting with them, I discuss their requirements over the phone to understand what they're looking for. That way I can provide a bespoke service that exceeds their expectations - just like my corporate career, customer service and satisfaction are paramount. A fantastic product, great service, outstanding quality and fantastic value for money. That's me! Afterwards, I love to pat my happy clients on their behinds and send them on their way, with confirmation from them that they'll be returning soon. Repeat business is great for me, as is my clients promising to tell others about me too: word of mouth gag - the best form of promotion there is. And it's the only job I know where the ruder you are to clients the more likely they are to return!
My autobiography Instant Whips and Dream Toppings. A true-life dom rom com is available in paperback and kindle from Amazon, published by Thistle.