What Is Our Problem With the Gwyneth/Chris Split?

28/03/2014 17:41 | Updated 28 May 2014

This week, word broke that Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow had decided to part ways. It was like an oil slick near a crematorium. We knew instantly only seconds would separate us from what can only be a flaming onslaught of hate and shit that infested the already festering world of Twitter. Everybody had an opinion. The majority of which were smug and snide. Delighted, almost relieved to hear the the "golden couple" had finally failed at something!!!! Marriage!!! YES!!!! We can all sleep at night! Thank God for that.

Who wants to see a couple who between them have Oscars, Grammys, Brits, international super status, a terrifyingly low body fat percentage, cute kids, bucket loads of cash and quite a nice reputation devoid of beating each other, showing us their anuses or taking drugs on Instagram, be successful at MARRIAGE TOO? No no no, these animals must be stopped. How dare they REJECT GLUTEN???!!!! Fuckers. Burn them. Burn them!!!

AND SHE HAS A GURU? You're telling me these blonde white people practice a religion that is also practiced by an enormous portion of our species? They didn't get the memo that you can only practice these things if you are brown... White people have to be Christian and Catholic right? They don't deserve a peaceful and spiritual outlook on life! They are white and rich and from the west. They aren't allowed... right?

He's a dick as well. Doesn't get wasted publicly and behave like an animal on stage. Writing beautifully crafted pop/rock melodies that will last the test of time. Look at that bastard doing all that work for charity whilst chewing on an organic granola bar!!!!


Yes. I have seen Goop. It's an extremist website preaching health and happiness. As a burger-eating couch potato Brit, I do sometimes find it a little worthy of an eye roll. But what is she doing wrong here exactly? She looks amazing, she has an amazing life, she wants to spread the word on how others can experience the same. All we do is search for those things. All magazines do is push articles our way on how to achieve those things. But that wench is voluntarily offering us advice that we can read at our leisure if we choose to go on her website?

At the end of the day, these are two really nice people, who raised a nice family, and were really nice to their kids, and spread nice positive messages to people. Their kids are dealing with the fact that they may never be tucked into bed by both their parents EVER again. They have no doubt watched endless tears and tensions leading up to this uncoupling (or whatever word she has chosen to soften the brutality of the situation for her kids.) And now they are going to read all of our shitty two cents on how funny we think it is their family has broken down.

Break ups are horrendous. None of us behave with much/any dignity. It's a horrible, vulnerable time in which you need to be comforted and left alone to gain 15lbs. Break ups involving kids are absolutely brutal for everyone involved. This scars them in a little way for life. And you as the parent never get a truly clean break. You are forever bound in the slight awkwardness of forever being in contact with someone you have seen very, very naked.

We can ridicule them as much as we like as we all sit around failing miserably most of the time, but not noticing because we are too busy pointing the finger at people like them. I fully include myself in this. What do any of us do that's so great? In what way are we so 'cool'? I have been guilty of scoffing at the idea of her macrobiotic diets as I sit on my stained sofa eating a sausage roll watching my cheeks get chubbier by the day. You know what? I'm a dick. How dare we persecute people for wanting to be well and happy and wishing the same on us?

Shame on you. Shame on me. Shame on us.

Good luck to them. Good work for carrying it out with a little dignity. Good GOD I hope they have kept their kids off the internet this week...

So they never have to see how vile we really all are.