James Conmy
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Often bewildered, husband, father of two.

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Entries by James Conmy

Suntan Transvestite

(0) Comments | Posted 12 August 2014 | (16:07)

We were having a clear out of baby things, things we would never need again. My wife looked at me with shining eyes and whispered,

"Another tiny precious chapter in our lives, gone forever"
"Actually I was just thinking the same thing" I whispered back.

Although, actually, this was...

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Car Park Ticket Machine Race

(0) Comments | Posted 3 April 2014 | (00:00)

We were running a little late for a wedding. At some point that morning we'd lost the huge head start that comes with children that wake up at 5.30am, we'd squandered our time advantage and tempers were frayed.

"Did you charge the SatNav?"

"We...

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Cats

(9) Comments | Posted 14 March 2014 | (23:00)

Do you know what the worst thing about the internet is?

Cats.

Everyday someone will send me a picture of a cat doing something cute, like wearing a policeman's helmet or mewling into a trumpet or making a cheese sandwich.

And I hate cats.

People ask me "James, how can...

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Ciabatta

(0) Comments | Posted 17 February 2014 | (09:21)

It's late, the room is warm and dark, the bed soft, my eyes are closed. I can hear little freckles of rain tapping on the window and the house settling down for the night like an old dog: gentle groans from rheumatic floorboards and the rhythmic breathing of the boiler....

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What Do Atheists Tell Their Children?

(152) Comments | Posted 2 February 2014 | (23:00)

"Dad do people really get wings in heaven?"

This is the sort of tricky post-existential question that children launch at you out of the blue. Luckily I have a mouthful of toast which gives me a moment to consider my response. I have to be careful, maybe...

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Think of It This Way...

(29) Comments | Posted 24 January 2014 | (23:00)

The carriage is filled with IPod tinnitus and broadsheet origami - a normal commute into London.

He gets on the train and sits down next to me. I cringe inside because I know what is about to happen. He looks normal enough at first but then he reaches into his...

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The Enduring Appeal of Jeremy Kyle (Or Why You Are Ronnie Barker)

(6) Comments | Posted 21 January 2014 | (15:20)

What follows is something like a typical scene from the ever popular Jeremy Kyle show - if it's enduring appeal (NTA nominated again) mystifies you then consider this theory...

"You two don't have any simple human respect for each other"
"Yes but we came on the show to try...

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'I Didn't Think to Look Inside'

(0) Comments | Posted 23 December 2013 | (08:57)

Everyone has a small plastic cup of warm champagne and snow is falling gently past the office windows. Garlands of tinsel adorn the desks and monitors like the glittering intestines of Christmas. We are gathered together to exchange gifts before the office party and there is a sense of dread...

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Cinema Release

(0) Comments | Posted 12 September 2013 | (00:00)

Ah the magic of cinema!

I'd got to the cinema early to pick up the pre-booked tickets and to hide just how much pick 'n' mix I'd be lugging in. After securing my own body weight in fizzy cola bottles I'd spent 10 minutes in a queue under the false...

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Gastro-Bores

(10) Comments | Posted 3 September 2013 | (00:00)

I'm at a party and have ended up talking to gastro-bores. Foodies. I can be a bit foodie when the mood takes me, but this conversation, lubricated by alcohol and MasterChef, is getting out of control. Predictably, the group are trying to impress each other with wildly implausible meals -...

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Waking Up Is So Very Hard to Do...

(1) Comments | Posted 29 August 2013 | (00:00)

Slowly I gain consciousness and wonder why I've woken up. For some reason my back hurts.

*Tut*

I roll over and look at my wife, she is staring hard at the ceiling, I recognise that look - unless I'm very much mistaken that's her "I've-just-tutted-to-wake-you-up" look.

"Did you just tut?"

...
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To the Polls!

(7) Comments | Posted 23 August 2013 | (00:00)

"Hey guess what - Ben Affleck is the new Batman!"

"Ergh"

"You don't like Affleck? You've never forgiven him for Gigli?"

"Affleck's fine, it's Batman"

"Batman?"

"Batman"

"You don't like the caped crusader?"

"Nope"

"Why?"

"A privileged millionnaire who punishes poor people. A nocturnal David Cameron."

"He's not posh"

"He...

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Cryin' Air

(10) Comments | Posted 17 August 2013 | (00:00)

I was "miffed".

I had got to the airport and realised that I'd forgotten my boarding pass. The "penalty" to print it out at the check-in desk was £60. Which was £15 more than the original ticket had cost to fly me to Germany. Sixty quid to print out...

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A Sting in the Tale...

(3) Comments | Posted 13 August 2013 | (00:00)

I had salmonella poisoning but I didn't know it. The explosive effects of this condition had left me sore, dehydrated and waiting to see my annoyingly upbeat doctor. With clenched and scalded buttocks I sat in a waiting room the colour of sadness, I dared not look at anyone -...

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James Brown Dog

(3) Comments | Posted 8 August 2013 | (00:00)

My son wanted to go camping this weekend and it sounded like a great idea. I thought about us under a starlit sky, pictured us listening to the distant hoot of an owl amid the hot chirrup of crickets. Imagined our easy silence as we lounged around a jolly campfire,...

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I Like My Drink Analogies How I Like My Women... Short

(5) Comments | Posted 2 August 2013 | (00:00)

I hadn't had a coffee for a few days - been trying to cut down you see.

Coffee is funny isn't it? Quite addictive really. Especially if you drink it every day. And if, like me, you're often in a hurry and need a quick caffeine hit, the methodology of...

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Becoming a Father

(4) Comments | Posted 24 July 2013 | (00:00)

"Excuse me Sir, you do know you just went through a red light and it has taken our fastest car and best driver to catch you?"

"Listen pigwheels, I gotta pregnant lady here and if I don't get her to hospital in the next five minutes she's gonna give birth...

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When Family Reunions Go Wrong

(4) Comments | Posted 20 July 2013 | (00:00)

Holy Shitballs! My family are waiting for me on the platform!

I'd seen this sort of thing happen before and knew what I had to do.

The way it works is this. You get off the busy train after a hard day at work and spot your loving family on...

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"Do You Trim?"

(2) Comments | Posted 16 July 2013 | (00:00)

"Do you ... trim?"

That's how the conversation started, with such a ridiculous emphasis on the word "trim" that I knew we were not discussing upper body hair. We were in a pub, having just finished a pint and a discussion on the new Bond film. And now this? I...

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Barry White Spider

(1) Comments | Posted 5 July 2013 | (00:00)

I will admit to having two phobias: Barry White & spiders.

To this day I am haunted by the words of a local radio DJ who proclaimed:

"Ah that was the smoooooth smooooth sounds of Mr Barry White, I'm sure you'll agree - he really does make love to your...

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