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Horoscopes for 2015

07/01/2015 17:44 GMT | Updated 09/03/2015 09:59 GMT

As the new year begins, you're probably thinking "I hope the tragedy that was my life in 2014 was worth it!" Well, there are two ways to read the future. There is the science of astronomy - but all those boffins can tell us is how far away the moon is and what comets are going to cause the end of civilization as we know it. Thanks, science - hope those white lab coats are worth the frankly extortionate state funding you receive. Alternatively, we can use the ancient art of astrology - a complex process involving the movement of the stars and Google to predict the course of your life. Look out for your star sign! Unless it's one of the ones I couldn't be bothered to check out (go fuck yourself, Pisces)!

Aries - March 21 - April 21 

Events will occur, often in a sequence. With Jupiter so active, don't be surprised if you inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide. In late March, the clocks will go forward. In the summer you will find yourself wearing fewer clothes. In late December, expect gifts - but start thinking about your tax return (Mercury tells me the deadline is January 31st).

Taurus April 22 - May 21 

John was right - Martin isn't a real mate. After that business with Rachel you thought you'd give him the benefit of the doubt, but since his behaviour at Ivan's birthday you know he's just not worth it. As Neptune encounters Mars, stop liking his statuses on Facebook and only ever click "maybe" on his events. Worth going to his night out in Dalston though, as DJ Yoda will make a surprise guest appearance at about 130am (I mean, it costs like £30 to see DJ Yoda live normally and the door charge is only a fiver).

Gemini - May 22 - June 22 

Good twin: A pleasant start to the year, but with an uneasy sense that you are being watched and that some force is working against you. In March you will suffer a break in, but mysteriously the intruder will only take a dusting of your fingerprints. In June there will be a series of high-profile burglaries at art galleries by someone somehow matching your exact physical description, and your fingerprints will be all over the scene. In September, with Saturn in play, the Queen will be kidnapped and you will be arrested for it. CCTV footage will apparently show you abseiling down Balmoral castle with the flailing monarch in your arms. Eking out the rest of your miserable existence doing hard labour in prison, you will puzzle over your fate as you dimly try to recall something your father told you on his deathbed about a family secret. You will die, aged 67, in the prison hospital, having read reports of an eccentric millionaire in Argentina matching your description who is building a "nuclear fusion device".

Evil twin: The board is set, the pieces are moving. First, you must dispose of The Other, who your parents chose over you. All those years in the orphanage plotting revenge will finally pay off. Here's a tip: break into that prick's flat and take dustings of their fingerprints. Use the cash from the art robberies to buy inside knowledge of Balmoral's security system. The police, fools that they are, will dance to your tune and your miserable sibling shall be locked away. Then Project Damocles can begin in earnest. Hint: use the Iranian black market to source cheap uranium. When Jupiter is in motion, let them all burn.

Cancer June 22 - July 21/22 

Often mocked for their unfortunate star sign name, you know that Cancer is actually the sign of fun-lovers everywhere! Despite your serious terminal illness, which kills millions every year (and that, God-willing, we will one day cure) you know 2015 is the year to paaaaarrrrttttaaaayyy! Ignore the health professionals and paint the town red - there's a secret DJ Yoda set in Dalston in August that would be well worth checking out. The door charge is only a fiver, which is mental because you'd normally pay like £30 to see DJ Yoda live.

Virgo - August 23 - September 21 

Listen, there's no shame in it. I lost my flower quite late, and the most important thing is that it was with the right person. And yeh, I didn't really know what I was doing - I finished in like two minutes. Which, let me tell you, isn't the case now. I go aaaaalllll night. That's kind of the problem, to be honest. Like, I really can't climax at all, actually. It's like, there's just a lot of pressure on men these days to last a long time, and I think I concentrate too much on making sure she's having a good time and then my head is just swimming with worries and when she's done I just ask to cuddle up, because in a way I think maybe I just want to be held by someone??

Libra - September 21 - October 21 

Libra are the "balancers", known for being temperate in everything. And that's your fucking problem. We all know your constant refrain of "let me play devil's advocate" means "let me be a dickhead briefly". If you agree that True Detective was really good television why do I have to hear about how the ending "would have benefitted from being more open-ended"? I'm pretty sure the movement of Venus in July means you'll suffer a really nasty fall in the shower.

Scorpio - October 21 - November 22 

You are a well-known hip-hop turntablist who uses samples to create a grimy beat parade that keeps the masses moving till dawn. Such a big fan, keep up the good work. Thing is, mate, I've dug myself into a bit of a hole - I don't suppose you'd want to do a secret gig in August in a club called Waxed Moustache in Dalston? I know usually you charge about £30 for live sets and the door charge is only a fiver, but I really think the atmosphere there suits you and - I'll come clean - I think a lot of people are kind of expecting you to do it and I don't want them to be disappointed. I'm not going to say "the planets demand it", but let's just say Mr Scruff once ignored a horoscope of mine and his uncle got Alzheimer's.