THE BLOG

How To Make Me Come

10/11/2015 17:23 GMT | Updated 10/11/2016 10:12 GMT

The Huffington Post has a proud history of informing the public. I've contributed to that mission in my own small way through a backlog of blog posts, which are often based on several minutes of extensive research. But what we have singularly failed to do is inform the global public how to make me come.

This is a very personal issue, of course. In particular it is very personal to me, given that it pertains to making me come. But I believe that if we look closely at one individual's experience, we can all learn something very important. Namely, how to make me - James Moran - come.

Here are the stages to help me achieve Defcome 1.

L'art de la seduct

Before you get access to my goods, I need to be seduced. Now, you might think it's only men who use deception in order to arouse sexual interest. What man hasn't, at some point, tried to provoke interest and attraction by pretending to have a terminal illness that also gave them a large penis? Err...guilty!

But women do this sort of thing too, of course. What woman hasn't, at some point, tried to interest a guy by pretending to be five-time Olympic gold medalist Nadia Elena Comaneci? I once dated a woman for two weeks before realising she wasn't Olympic gold medalist Nadia Elena Comaneci at all. She was Olympic gold medalist Larisa Latynina. The irony is that Larisa Latynina has actually won more gold medals than Nadia Elena Comaneci (if you include team wins, which I do).

I think my point is clear. To seduce me, be who you really are - be that Olympic gold medalist Larisa Latynina, Olympic gold medalist Nadia Elena Comaneci or any another Olympic gold medalist.

Foreplay

Foreplay is the bit of sex where you temporarily pretend you don't have sexual organs.

Lots of the three women I've slept with didn't get that foreplay can be mental, as well as physical. If you talk to me about speculative metaphysics, I will very quickly get wet. That's specific to me, of course. But it applies more widely. I've also worked in the analytic philosophical tradition, so Russell can work just as well as Hegel. What's important is that you just relax. Whatever system of epistemology feels right to you will probably feel right to me, as long as you haven't misread post-Kantian continental philosophy because you're so blinkered that you're unable to appreciate the project of phenomenology as a rigorous exploration of human knowledge. As I say, just relax.

The starting of the sex

Foreplay should end when one of us shouts "foreplay over!" Then it's the sex part of the sex, which personally I find the sexiest. This is when I enter you, or you enter me, or we enter each other, or neither of us enters the other. Society is becoming increasingly aware that penetration is not the only form of straight sex.

For example, I'm actually just as likely to orgasm through inception. I get so hot and steamy when a girl leaves the seed of an idea in my subconscious by battling through representations of my psyche on increasingly deep levels of thought. Once, in Spain, a woman I hadn't physically even met left a trail of destruction through the contours of my mind in order to incept the idea that I wanted a bacon sandwich. It was such a turn on.

Sealing the deal

Different guys have different sensitive spots, but personally my most sensitive area is the balls and penis. Of course, a myth about men is that they ejaculate. In a recent survey 88% of men said they have "never ejaculated/are not currently ejaculating". So don't worry if I don't ejaculate. There are other aspects to sex that satisfy me just as much as ejaculating - intimacy, passion, issuing semen from my penis during an orgasm.

But if I'm in the mood, be prepared for me to ejaculate at literally any moment. Don't ask me if I'm about to ejaculate, as that will totally turn me off. Don't ask me if I have already ejaculated, as I'm likely to de-ejaculate. And girls - whatever you do - do NOT ejaculate before I do.

Personally, after sex I like to hold an inquiry as to what went right, what went wrong and who is accountable. Then, I just like to be held. Ideally you'll put me in your hands and hold me above your head for ten to fifteen minutes whilst I nap.

To conclude (come-clude??!?)

So what have we learnt? We live in a bipolar age. Society divides itself against itself - the rise of the far right, calls to withdraw from the EU, the anti-establishment politics of Jeremy Corbyn. We look across a chasm of difference at those whose values we do not share. What we need is a bridge to help us cross that chasm and embrace our fellow citizens in the spirit of understanding.

I think today we've seen that there's nothing we can't achieve if we try to reach out to each other - in this instance, we saw that we can make me come. Maybe, if we strengthen this spirit of empathy and understanding, we can put a human on Mars. Eradicate poverty. Perhaps - who knows? - we can make you come.

James Moran is currently single.