The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Jamie Stangroom Headshot

The Great British Porn Off

Posted: Updated:
Print Article

I felt a little insulted when 'asked' to write a piece about internet-pornography and the recent findings by website 'PornHub' into British search habits.

Granted, I suppose I fit the criteria for a typical 'user' - I'm a single 20-something male, with no long-term relationships to my name, and I spend most nights alone in my room with my flatmate hurling abuse through my bedroom door that I'm 'using all the bandwidth', but I assure you that is because I'm writing and editing my sketches and radio-interviews, and not wasting the odd three hours perusing the darker side of the internet's super-highway. Honestly. I'm presuming 'super-highway' isn't some filthy euphemism, by the way, but then I wouldn't know. I'll just google it. No, no, that's fine.
 
Even if I did concede to have occasionally stumbled upon what is called an 'adult site', it's not something that I would tend to talk about openly in the office. Unlike my sketch partner Scott, who is constantly regaling us with the latest 'trends'.
 
"Has anybody seen Assablanca?"
 
Anyway, back to my piece (behave). Ever the professional, I decided it was best to do some research of my own. It seems that there's something for every taste online, and some would argue that the internet, and it's easily available adult content, has led to a rise in teenage boys having unrealistic expectations when it comes to sex. Of course, I've had no such trouble, and have found that the best way to not have unrealistic expectations of sex from watching porn is to only watch porn that features men with less-than-average-sized man bits and women that are total randy nymphs. If you stick to that, you'll be okay.
 
Another worrying trend is to try and copy some of the more, shall we say, experimental aspects of sexuality that can be found online. For example, the man who recently went into a hospital in China with a live eel up his rectum, claiming to have copied what he was watching online. Now, my first thought was "Poor eel!". There's a whole range of discussion about gory video games inciting violence, but not enough about 'eel porn'.

Dear reader, brace yourself, for I give you "Man with an Eel In Large Intestine":

2014-01-23-oEELINBOTTOM570.jpg

Picture copyright CEN

I've yet to see any porno-film that carries the disclaimer "Don't try this at home." Similarly, after watching Die Hard (the original blockbuster, as opposed to the necrophilia-based porn film) you don't think "I'll try tackling some international terrorists and jumping off a skyscraper." so why do we think we should copy someone who can get a whole cantaloupe up their bum? Watching porn should be done with care.
 
Anyway, my research (ahem) has shown that quite a lot of us do enjoy a good *insert your favourite euphemism here*. The website PornHub has published details saying that it has been visited 111 million times over the past 12 months. Compare that to only 1.4million annual visits to the UK government site. Mind you, there are only so many c*cks/pu$$ies/a$$holes/w*nkers you can cope with in one day.
 
The website also named and shamed, with the Hertfordshire town of Ware taking the longevity title, its residents spending an average of 10 minutes and 37 seconds per visit, versus the English average of 9.42, the Welsh of 9.38, the Scottish of 9.45 and the Northern Irish of 9.35.

Congratulations! I'd love to see if that's brought up at the next town meeting. Maybe they could theme their Christmas lights next year? Whatever the future holds, I visited the town recently for YouTube channel Stinky Mike to find out what all the fuss was about in a special news report titled: Ware: The Porn Supremacy:

In true patriotic style, though, the most popular search was for 'British Porn'. I'm not quite sure why? Do the grunts, groans and immorality sound different? Or is it the case that too many of us "don't like those foreign films with their subtitles" ?

Maybe it's in the vague hope that we might recognise someone in the film? The neighbours' daughter, perhaps, who has recently left home and is paying her way through university? Well, I'd better pop round and tell the Smiths that Hayley isn't working weekends in the nearest Wetherspoon's... after a quick w*nk first, of course.
 
But to be honest, I was worried when I heard that PornHub were publishing its findings, thinking that they might be tracing everyone's individual internet usage, but I'm assured that isn't the case. Now I just wish I hadn't thrown my computer away in a panic!
 
As I bring this porn report to a close, it seems that everything has come full-circle (smirk!), given that we now have young pop-stars like Miley Cyrus being accused of pornography with her behaviour and videos, only for her to be parodied by one of the original porn stars himself, Ron Jeremy.

Other Wrecking Ball tributes have been performed by Radio 1's Gregg James and Hulk Hogan. It's enough to drive me to eel porn!

Around the Web

My life in the porn capital of Britain | Lisa Bachelor | Comment is free ...

Pornhub names sex-mad Ware residents as Britain's biggest porn ...

Pornhub crowns Ware porn capital of UK | News homepage - Mercury

Ware Online Community Forum • View topic - Ware: the porn capital ...

Porn capital of the porn nation | (R news & tutorials) - R-bloggers

Ware: The Porn Supremacy - YouTube

Ware: the porn capital of Britain?

Will buying porn turn out to be bitcoin's killer app?