"Is that it?" A phrase that summons to mind not only the most common response to finding out the percentage chance of Katie Price having a successful marriage, but also the sentence to leave a woman's lips that is most feared by the male populace.
The prospect of under-performing for a young lady is enough to send shivers down a gentleman's spine and this irrational fear has led to a large number of British men deftly 'playing it safe' between the sheets for generations. It is however within this realm of tangled limbs and things that go bump in the night (and as many times as possible during the day too) that I have found what I naively thought to be my spiritual home for over a decade.
My name is Jeff Leach and besides being a stand-up comedian and actor I am also the rather ashamed owner of a sex addiction. It is this inability to say "no" to the fairer sex that has seen me lead a rather repetitive life culminating in a downwards spiral of intimate liaisons in toilet cubicles, airplanes, park bushes and a Santa's Grotto.
Yes I have even managed to defile the Yuletide Season with my insatiable attitude towards sex. Ho, ho, ho indeed my cherubic champion of Christmas. So whilst many men shy away from pushing their sensual boundaries with delightful vixens the globe over, just in case they get it wrong, instead I have over-actively charged headlong into this amorous gauntlet because practice can only make perfect...right?
At the end of 2011 I decided that my sex addictions had caused enough problematic implications against ever being able to achieve something that I truly desire in my future. "What desires do you so desperately crave Jeff" I hear you coquettishly cry, well dear readers...companionship and a truly fulfilling relationship that might lead towards me one day becoming a father.
I know, beneath the tattoos, skull embroidered jewellery and haircut of a gothic Tin Tin lies one archetypal 'soppy git'. Armed with this irritating self-awareness and over-bearing analytical nature I decided to formulate a television programme for BBC3 entitled Jeff Leach: Confessions of a Sex Addict that would witness me re-visiting as many of my 300+ lovers as possible to ask for their help.
I must clarify that being 'good in bed' does not for me simply conclude with having excellent stamina and a natural prowess for the sexual stimulation of the Venus-like creature that lays beneath me.
In fact, had I not inherited the genetic family traits of being a bit of a lothario from my mother's uncles I am sure that my worryingly addictive sex-ploits would have sufficed in allowing me to master the art simply through the sheer amount of times I have practiced. No ladies, for me being 'good in bed' has become so much more than contraception-aided mating rituals.
Being 'good in bed' is as much about the art of listening, providing support for your loved one and genuinely connecting with your partner on more than just which your favourite ball-gag is to use.
It is within these fields that I have always struggled, predominantly out of a predisposition of protecting my vulnerable side to avoid the fear of having my fragile emotional core rattled beyond repair. Like most men I am weak, frightened and intimidated by women and for years I assumed that sending a tender nubile body into spasms of multiple orgasm-induced ecstasy was enough to fill that gaping hole carved into my soul.
Alas women, being far superior in their capacity for inter-personal connection, seek more than this. Don't misunderstand my meaning, I am aware that for a time my dedication to the cause of good sex can prove to be an enticing commodity for a large number of women, but they soon tire of receiving the physical stimuli without seeing a little bit of heart.
As I talked with my lovers, a charming psychiatrist and other men who share my problem I realised this. Being 'good in bed' is a far more complex construct than I had ever imagined.
The bed is a place within which humans often feel most safe, carry out the art of procreation and ultimately find respite. Therefore it would make sense that a good bedfellow is able to fulfill all of these roles for their duvet date.
As I carefully devour all of the information being given to me and genuinely and respectfully continue on my spiritual journey to become a better man than I have previously been in my hedonistic, sex addict-addled periods, I look forward to becoming not only a fantastic shag but also capable of the more important roles of being 'good in bed'.
It's a long and arduous road, but I am sure the rewards will be inspiring in their revelation to me. And in the mean time? Well that ball-gag won't buckle itself now will it?
'Jeff Leach: Confessions of a Sex Addict' airs on BBC3 on 11 January at 9PM