THE BLOG

It's Not the Winning, It's the Taking Apart...

11/09/2013 22:34 BST | Updated 10/11/2013 10:12 GMT

My mum once told me that "life is a journey," which is unfortunate as we're both prone to carsickness, seasickness and airsickness. I'm pretty sure most people don't feel a rising nausea watching someone on a moped. Still that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the ride! Actually it does mainly due to the carsickness, seasickness...

My Mum also told me that there are no prizes for how quickly we arrive at our imaginary destination, unless of course you're competing at the Olympics. Still I do feel grateful for my Mother's wise words because I feel less like an Olympian and more like my 11-year-old self attempting to run cross-country in the pissing rain weeping into my hair whilst trying to wipe a snot bubble from my nose.

If life really is a journey then I appear to be making my metaphoric way uphill on a pushbike. Yes, I may take a bit longer to get where I'm going but when I finally arrive my thighs promise to be MASSIVE.

So here I am in my late thirties with massive thighs and not much else and I'll be honest with you, it feels good. When I say 'good' I do mean 'average' but then someone's 'average' is another person's 'amazing' so maybe my life really is amazing! Either way, life can't just be a list of achievements because if it is I hope my BAGA award 4 counts. (It doesn't)

The truth is that if you don't have kids or a shit hot career your life can seem pretty pointless to almost everyone especially people with kids and a shit hot career, they're the worst, "Come on Jen! At least you've got your...you know ...at least you've got...your... feet." Thanks for that, you're right of course, I do have feet and I'm grateful that they've stuck around for this long. Still, you can't turn up at a party or social function only to be grilled by some pissed twat you've never met before about YOUR LIFE only to reply, "Yeah, well I'm really happy with my life...Why? Well I don't know if you've noticed but I've got feet mate... That's it really, just a great pair of feet. Nice talking to you..."

I realise that I'm not alone in my personal disappointment. I have other friends who despite their amazing careers, flat screen TVs, children, four-wheel drives, life partners and SMEG fridges like to tell me how lucky I am, "You're the lucky one Jen, you're a free spirit!" "Am I?" "Yes and its great that you're following your dream, its not about success!" " I think it is" "It's about the journey! And you're on the journey of your DREAMS!" I'll be honest with you, when I was twenty something and still had dreams they didn't involve me driving to Newcastle for £80 to try and make 12 drunk people laugh who are happy to tell me that they were 'expecting a bloke.' My dreams back in the day were a bit bigger. (They weren't)

Still, I don't just have great feet, only the other day my girlfriend gave me an unexpected compliment, "Jen, you've got beautiful eyes." "That is the nicest thing you've said to me in ages!" "I mean it! You know what? You'd look great in a burka." I wasn't entirely sure how to respond, so I burnt her dinner. Yes I'm that petty.

I don't know what the hell I'm moaning about, I'm very lucky and life is sweet. Maybe I don't have an expensive car, a house, or anything resembling financial security, but I do have my creative integrity and that goes a long way! Unless you're trying to get a bank loan in which case it's utterly meaningless.

But if we really measured success by how much stuff we own, or money we earn then we'd all be modelling ourselves on Alan Sugar, Rupert Murdoch or Donald bloody Trump. By the way what is up with that rug on his head? Seriously Don, if you have that much cash, invest in something that looks like it could actually be HAIR instead of some weird road kill resting three inches above your pate.

So what if I'm not rich? If we were to measure my life in terms of hair follicles I'm WINNING hands down! Or hair down, or hair up. I mean when you have hair you can do whatever you want with it. That's right Trumpster, no amount of money is going to give you a French plait. To be fair very few men can carry that style off and by few I do mean no one. Basically, what I'm saying is, I don't like Donald Trump. I'd hate there to be any ambiguity.

My point, if indeed I have one, is that you should never measure your verve by another person's yardstick. Someone said that to me once and it's stayed with me ever since, (mainly because I had no idea what 'verve' meant.) Sure if I look back at my life there are times I could have done more, maybe I could have achieved greater things, bought better stuff (like a microwave), eaten better food (unlikely), slept with models (unlikely), written funnier jokes (no comment.) The truth is I am where I am because it's exactly where I'm meant to be!

Or maybe just over here...a little to the left. No you're right I'm happy here. Although the sun's in my eyes...can I move over there please? No? Ok, I am very happy right HERE. But if there's any chance of moving over there let me know...