Here we are again. We're trying for baby number two. To be exact we have been trying for baby number two for 19 long months.
It comes as no surprise to me that it hasn't happened yet, after all it took three years to get pregnant with our daughter Lil. She's now a two-year-old bundle of chaos who only last weekend proudly told us she had a beard! To clarify, she doesn't but with such comedy genius clearly running through our childs veins it would be a shame for us not to have any more fabulous little ones.
It may sound like a totally bonkers plan to start trying for baby number two when baby number one had only just started sleeping through the night but it was never going to be any easier for us second time round, so we felt like we should start trying sooner rather than later.
So why exactly does it take us so long to get pregnant?
Well my insides are a mish-mash of organs, damaged organs and completely missing organs! I was born with only one kidney (a super kidney, that's not my words, that's how my doctor described it and it's actually a larger sized kidney to compensate for not having a partner) and although never causing me any issues it meant that on my left side where the kidney is missing my reproductive organs never developed. So I am a half a womb wonder, or owner of a Unicornuate Uterus to be medically factual. I have a working ovary but my one and only fallopian tube is, to be polite, knackered.
Trying to get pregnant for us is a down right palaver and the latter stages of my pregnancy also came with its own set of complications. A guessing game of how big will my womb would stretch if at all. Oh and a breech baby with not enough room to turn to add to the mix.
I hope it doesn't sound like I am having a pity party - I'm truly not. I had a wonderful pregnancy. I felt great, I got super-duper fat (not advocating that at all but it was fun!), knew by 28 weeks I would be having a C-section and only in the very late stages did I start to suffer with high blood pressure. I was just so incredibly grateful to actually be pregnant I would have literally taken anything thrown at me during those nine months.
So why am I putting myself, my partner and now my beautiful Lil through the whole stress of trying for a baby again?
Quite simply I know my family is not complete.
I have been back to our fertility consultant who sent me for more x-rays to make sure my puny tube wasn't blocked, it wasn't. Now we have been told medically there is nothing else the NHS can do for us other than IVF.
Simple you would think? Our chances of success are pretty high as we have had a previous pregnancy. I have no issue in IVF treatment but here's the big catch - our consultant will only proceed with IVF for us if they can remove my fallopian tube. My only tube, my puny tube which has worked and gave us our little Lil.
Why on earth would I let her take my only tube away thus rendering me sterile at 32! But what if that truly is the only option we have to get pregnant again?
The reasoning is to take away any risk of an ectopic pregnancy due to the damage my tube has but woweee what a decision to have to make. The damage was there before I got pregnant with Lil but they wont take the risk.
So instead of making the decision, we've been playing the waiting game but it's getting harder with each passing month. I am heartbroken every month it doesn't happen and I want to be able to move on. I feel like the last four and a half years of my life have just been all about trying to have a baby or a second baby but how can I make this decision?
I know there are people who might think me ungrateful, that I should be fulfilled by my incredible daughter and I truly am but I always wanted two children and why should I be denied that when my body has proved it can jolly well do it!
When you're in a loving, stable relationship people ask you when you will have children when you already have one they love to ask if you will have any more. All I can say is that I hope we do, I hope beyond anything we get to experience those special newborn moments again, those first simple words, those first stumbling steps.
I hope beyond hope that Lil will be a big sister someday, after all she needs someone to share her beard trimming tips with...
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