According to Wikipedia, there are 206 active social networking sites and I only pay attention to two of them: Twitter and Facebook. I do have a Tumblr account but sometimes I'm just not in the mood to click through the 17,000 cock pictures my friends have reposted and tend to save those for my cry-wank-athons when everyone on Match.com has blocked me.
So let's look at the two sites, mainly responsible for the fact I'm a hermit with no real social skills.
Which is better?
It took me at least three attempts to get the hang of Twitter. What once seemed pointless is now, well, still pointless but it's also addictively fun.
I can easily spend hours tweeting folk I'll never meet or spend the same amount of time, refreshing the screen and praying to god that someone says something amusing enough to make me smile for once in my miserable life.
Anyway, here's a typical day on Twitter for me.
*Retweet important political information about something I only understand slightly*
*Get tweet from someone hot and imagine they've tweeted me because I am awesome. Tweet implies no such thing*
"YAY, A NEW FOLLOWER!!"
"FUCK I'VE LOST A FOLLOWER. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE?? AFTER ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH!"
*Looks up Friend of Follow and curses woman I had no intentions of following back*
"Ooh, hot fella off Chuck is on here. "
*Gets ignored by hot fella off Chuck and unfollows*
*Flirt with handsome creative man.*
*GETS DM FROM HANDSOME CREATIVE MAN!!*
*Blocks handsome creative man*
*Tweets something hilarious and insightful and gets no RTs*
*Tweets something about boobs and gets 400 RT's plus 700 new followers. New followers are all spambots who want to have sex on the moon*
*Moans about being fat.*
*Moans about having no boyfriend*
*Wonders what at least 17 men are like in bed*
*Also wonders about some of the women*
*Wastes 2 hours wondering about sex with people based on profile photos*
*Makes someone laugh*
*Makes someone angry*
*Makes account public so everyone can talk to me.*
*Makes account private in case an ex is being creepy*
*Ignores several important things to do in the real world in favour of tweeting about Eastenders*
*Unfollows people for being self absorbed only posting their blog links*
*Posts at least 3 blog links*
*Finally goes to bed and no one notices or gives a fuck.*
My love for Facebook on the other hand has slowly turned to mild annoyance over the past few months but despite having left twice, I still keep coming back because I'm weak and a terrible human being. I tend to keep to Facebook for people I actually know, went to school with or have at least been drunk with on more than one occasion. I don't spend that much time on here, but when I do it goes something like this.
*Plays Bejewelled until fingers cramp*
'John is playing Words with Friends...John is listening to shite on Spotify...John liked a post by some woman I don't know....John shared a photo of a badger...'
*Hates John more than anyone else on the planet*
"HOW THE FUCK DO I DISABLE THAT STUPID STREAMING SIDEBAR?*
"Stop posting pictures of your average children, I couldn't care less what they're doing."
"YAY! My hot friend is single again! *Messages*"
*Hot friend ignores message of obvious fake sympathy.*
*Change profile picture to one of a Koala*
*Growls menacingly at sidebar again*
*Message best mate to complain about bastarding sidebar and talk about boys*
*STOP FUCKING POKING ME!"
*Googles how to remove poking and sidebars*
*Count up number of friends I've slept with and feel disappointed at low number. Then remember they're all on Twitter and feels shame*
*Deny friend request from someone I barely remember from Primary School but is secretly glad they've aged hideously*
*Look up old boyfriends*
*Block old boyfriends*
*Untag picture of me looking like a mental patient*
*Accept invites to events I will never go to*
*Wonders what everyone on Twitter is doing*
*Blocks everyone and leaves*
So which one wins best site? Neither. I'm almost 34 and I do this on a daily basis. There are no winners here.
Follow Joanna Bolouri on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@scribbles78