I hate reading news stories of recent lottery winners. Call me bitter but why would I take any pleasure in hearing about how Dave and Sharon from Rotherham are planning to spend their winnings. Slapstick comedy is enjoyable because it's a basic human instinct to laugh at other people's misfortune. In theatrical terms then, watching other people greedily enjoy their lottery winnings must be considered a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions. I am fully prepared to acknowledge that this deep-seated loathing of lottery winners is, of course, born out of unadulterated jealousy, but I don't care. I want to win the lottery too!
There are certain people who say that they'd hate to win the lottery and that having so much money that you don't know what to do with it is a life sentence of sorts, a burden. These people are either fools or liars. I feel no shame in admitting that I'd love to win it. Another thing that annoys me about lottery winners is the way in which they spend their loot. I read once that the winner of a 20 million pound jackpot made a Vauxhall Astra his first purchase because he'd had his eye on one for a while. A Vauxhall Astra?! Show some ambition! I'm not sure whether or not this purchase was a deliberately self-righteous display of modesty. Either way, get a Ferrari or at least a BMW with go faster stripes you boring sod. What's more, if I won the lottery, I sure as hell wouldn't tell the press who I was. I don't want Tom, Dick and Harry queuing round the block for a piece of my dollar pie. Keeping my identity a secret would also allow me to avoid those dire press conferences where photos are taken of the winners sipping on champagne (probably Prosecco to be honest) and sporting a I'm-going-to-buy-a-mediocre-family-car-because-I-can smirk on their faces.
Right, so it's clear that I have serious case of LES (Lottery Envy Syndrome). The only known cure is actually winning the lottery so I'd better come up with a remedy soon. According to the BBC, if I want to increase my chances I should relocated to Nottinghamshire because it's a "lucky county" after racking up 85 million in lottery winnings in 2012. Let's all move to Mansfield then shall we? The chances of winning the lottery are still 1 in 14 million (of course they bloody are) and knife crime is rife but hey.
Anyway, winning the lottery would be great. Whatever problems I have that all that extra dough wouldn't solve, I could do cool things like eat gold leaf on toast and use Hermes scarves as toilet roll. In short, I think winning the lottery would encourage creativity, stimulate my imagination and above all, having a Ferrari would be fun. Just don't make me move to Mansfield in order to win.