Maybe it is because Christmas is coming up, but today I am in the mood to discuss festive food. Turkeys and lambs and the Tories' favourite stocking-fillers (no, not blonde activists from the home counties), hen-pecked Labour moderates.
Plumped and primed for the season of goodwill, Turkeys land on our Christmas tables each and every year.
Just as Christmas arrives only once a year, but in every passing year; Labour elects an unelectable leader only once a generation, but in every passing generation. Yes - in every passing generation -, Turkeys in Labour's far-left membership condemn their party to another prolonged Winter of discontent.
This time, the Turkeys' champion is Jeremy Corbyn, so let's examine his politics.
Take any catastrophic event to harm Britain over the last couple of decades:
• Recession? Jeremy Corbyn says that Labour "did not spend enough" under Tony Blair.
• 9/11? Well, Jeremy Corbyn says that Osama bin Laden's death was "a tragedy" (even if context changes its emphasis, to hand government such a quotation is bad politics).
• ISIS? Jeremy Corbyn is a pacifist, you see, so he opposes - on stubborn principle - airstrikes in Syria.
• The Troubles? Jeremy Corbyn's shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell, condoned the use of "bombs and bullets" in the crisis. So Corbyn's second in command opposes his leader's pacifism? Or does he only support apologetic, Western pacificsm?
Take any beloved British institution that either defends the nation or is a source of pride to citizens over the last couple of centuries:
• The Queen? Jeremy Corbyn would abolish her kingdom and her monarchy.
• The Armed Forces? Jeremy Corbyn sees "no situation" in which he would have use for them.
• MI5? Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell, would abolish our secret service, our leading defence against ISIS.
• Trident? Jeremy Corbyn would never use our leading nuclear deterrent - though party policy would dictate it is renewed, at £30mn wasted cost to the taxpayer.
I could go on listing examples of deeply unpopular policy. I could also go on listing examples of deeply disunited Labour. But why bore you when the point is so clear?
Labour under Jeremy Corbyn is not just unelectable, but it is the worst opposition in a generation. It is a conflicted rabble, where members support a socialist leader, but members of parliament support a capitalist, Blairite vision.
Is this not extraordinary?
The members that have brought Jeremy Corbyn in from the ideological cold, just in time for wintry chills, are Turkeys. Consistently over decades, these socialist Turkeys have died slowly. And in 2015, these socialist Labour members again voted for Christmas.
But Tony Blair changed Labour and it now has two vastly different wings. A capitalist, progressive wing that since Blair, through David Cameron's premiership, continues to dominate British politics; a far-left relic of a wing, last relevant before Thatcher. One is relevant to 21st century Britain and one has not been since the post-war consensus.
So the members that have brought Jeremy Corbyn in from the ideological cold have long since forgotten that elections define politics. Instead, these members seek out futile, moral and intellectual rectitude. In this pursuit, Jeremy Corbyn - a failed, peripheral and rebellious backbench MP - is a sacrificial lamb. Given to this worthless, irrelevant cause, Corbyn is the sacrificial lamb of new NuLabour.
But the members that have brought Jeremy Corbyn to the fore just in time for December's wintry chills have not just summoned a sacrificial lamb to the frontbench. These members and entryists also have made Britain's opposition party lambs to electoral slaughter. Socialism is not popular in Britain, and for all of Corbyn's obstinate and misguided principle, he is not, either - outside of members' narrower-than-imagined near-cult.
This leaves the Conservatives' favourite stocking-fillers, Labour's moderates. As a gift to the electorate bequeathed by Thatcher's shifting of political gravity to the right, moderate egalitarians now sometimes join Labour, wrapped up in beautiful bows, only to pursue soft, Blairite centrism. These poor souls occasionally triumph, as indeed, in the Blair years. But more often, their damned party gets in the way.
Conservatives in the Cameron mould are not poles apart from Blairite moderates. Kendall, Umunna, Leslie and so on could almost be Tories - as the Corbynistas are at pains to remind all and sundry. These people, of both major parties, have been winning elections since 1992 and these people, of both major parties, are the closest approximation to what the electorate votes for. Corbynistas take note.
Labour moderates have, and it is why they are thus. The Conservatives may assault them, but they are often credible. So for Labour to again be effective opposition, it is up to the Turkeys who anointed Jeremy Corbyn, impossible as this seems, to support hen-pecked Labour moderates, or see their sacrificial lamb fed to the electoral slaughterhouse, either in Oldham - or in May's local elections.Suggest a correction