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Want America Great Again? You Need More Muslims, Not Less!

10/12/2015 12:41 GMT | Updated 09/12/2016 10:12 GMT

Donald Trump, the man who would be King if only all this pesky Democracy got out of his way, carried on his noble attempt to find the lowest point of political discourse possible this week with a staggeringly bigoted declaration that all Muslims should be stopped from entering the United States (presumably in addition to his much-beloved plan to register and monitor all those already in the country).

Now, I have lived my life outside the US for the better part of two decades now and throughout that time I have been extremely proud to call myself American. I have happily argued the pros and cons of the more naturally conservative culture of the US with my new European neighbours and stood up for some widely ridiculed figures (fun fact: I worked for George W Bush in 2004). However more and more I am finding myself ashamed; ashamed of any tangential connection with Donald (I refuse to call him Mr. Trump, much less 'The Candidate') and ashamed of the thousands of my countrymen who leap and cavort with his every bile-laden pronouncement.

For a long time after this most recent insult to the art of public speaking I wasn't sure what to do. I was angry sure, but also sad and a little worn down by the fact that a country I love has been reduced to a crowded theatre into which Donny can yell 'Fire!'

Then I thought maybe I'm approaching this all wrong. Maybe, if I'm sad about the state of the US I should be taking a leaf out of D-Dogs book and sign up to 'Make America Great Again!'.

But how? How can we do this? Well, the obvious answer is to go back to the roots of the US right? Back to the days when men were men, women were presumably women but no one asked them and Muslims were settled in the American Colonies.

But wait, I hear you ask, you mean there have been Muslims in America longer then there has been a USA? But wouldn't that mean that Don-Don and the Funky Bunches calls to keep them out would make about as much sense as banning the Christian Fundamentalists who founded the Colonies (and who are largely responsible for 3163 incidents of violence and terrorism against Abortion providers in the US since 2001) from the country?

Yes! Glad you asked, while we're on the subject:

1)Muslims are recorded in the Colonies as early as 1682 where references were made to slaves of 'Moor' (i.e North African Muslim) descent.

2) At least two Muslim men, Bampett Muhammad and Yusuf Ben Ali, are known to have fought in the Revolutionary War against Britain, literally helping to give birth to an America that Don('tyawishyerpresidentwashotlikeme) claims is in need of saving.

3) Among the first countries to recognise the United States as a nation was the Sultanate of Morocco, a gesture which George Washington himself deemed important enough to convey his thanks directly to the Sultan.

4) In the war of 1812 (British Invasion 2: Electric Boogaloo) a group of Muslim slaves held off a British attack on their masters estates, showing a commitment to defending America far above and beyond any that Donner has ever conveyed.

5) From 1914 through to the modern day, Muslim men have shed their blood in the great conflicts of the last century. From the thousands of commonwealth troops who died in service to Britain through to those Muslim-Americans who have served their country with pride there is a debt there the West owes that is beyond counting.

6) Until 2004, Muslim voters put their support in D-umps own Republican Party. They even supported George W Bush in 2000 by an overwhelming 80%. Unfortunately the wars of the last decade and increasingly anti-islamic rhetoric from the party has completely reversed this trend. I'm sure it will be ok though, it's not like he's also ticked off the fastest growing voting block inside the US...

So there we have it, if DT Floppyhair really wants to 'Make America Great again' then he should be welcoming Muslim-Americans with open arms. Of course, if what he actually means is 'Make America White Again' then maybe he and his outdated, misbegotten and downright Anti-American ideas should be put on a ship at Ellis Island and sent out to the first port that will have him.

At the moment, that seems like a list that's shrinking fast.