It's just over a week away until I get married for a second time, and I've never felt happier. 6 Years ago, I never thought I would get married AGAIN!. I'm 34, and went through a very tough long divorce, it put me off ever marrying or trusting anyone again (well, for 6 years anyway!). I also have a 10 year old son, who I have pretty much raised on my own. It's so easy to feel so bitter, disappointed and toughened by life, especially when going through a separation or divorce, BUT, please don't let tough times stop your hopes of the happily ever after. You absolutely CAN have it, even if it feels so distant, so raw and so hopeless at times (I've been there, I know what it's like!).
Divorcing before I was 30, made me feel like a complete failure. I felt I had 'missed' something. All my friends seemed to be embracing the magic of their relationships and marriages, and there I was going through my divorce feeling totally alone, bitter, upset and betrayed by life. Something felt really wrong. Yet, I knew I had married for all the wrong reasons- but tried to do things 'right' by societies expectations - marrying my son's dad was surely the 'right' thing to do wasn't it?, no it was wrong, and my heart knew it. I had betrayed my own heart, by not listening to it. We always get those small signs telling us something isn't right, do we listen though?
I stayed with my ex for 3 years in the marriage. Neither of us was happy. We had a very successful business together at the time, and things looked 'picture perfect' from the outside looking in. How very wrong that image was!. Inside of me, I felt crushed. My son kept me going. I'd look at him and felt ripped in two. How could I leave the marriage and therefore my son being raised in a broken home, yet how could I stay and feel so numb and crushed inside?. It's not the sort of questions someone in their late 20's wants to be asking.
So, I took the leap. I left the marriage with absolutely no promise of anything in return, just pure blind faith and following my heart, and no idea what I would do with my life, but one thing was for sure, I wasn't going to ignore my heart any longer as it hurt too much. My life was a lie, and it needed changing.
6 years later, after a very turbulent disastrous long drawn out expensive divorce, and after telling everybody I would NEVER get married again, I met the most wonderful, beyond my wildest dreams man (and yes, it was when I wasn't looking!). A man I never knew could exist on our planet. The difference being when I met him I was ready, previously, years before, I wasn't ready for him to come in my life back then. There was simply no room for him, especially with my attitude!. I secretly craved meeting someone like him, for years, I'd dream of it so much, yet I'd still put on a very strong 'I'm never getting married BS exterior', probably to protect myself from being hurt again.
All I can say is, looking back, I went through the ringer and back!. It was one of the hardest times of my life. Yet, I don't regret a thing. My new hubby to be is the most wonderful step-dad to my son (and our pet dog) that I could ever ask for, AND, it's made me believe that we really can have the love we secretly desire, even if we don't feel worthy of it, or if we feel we have too much baggage. It's never too late to have your dreams.
Don't ever give up on love. One thing I believe to be true is that, life is ALWAYS conspiring on our behalf, and I have absolutely no regrets in any of it, no matter how hard it got (and boy did it get hard!!). Keep the faith, keep looking ahead and allow your heart to soften, and your dreams to blossom. Don't let life toughen you too much, often when there is a heartbreak it can be a blessing in disguise to allow an even better match in to your life.
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