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16 Reasons Why You, a Man, Should Hate the Patriarchy

15/01/2014 10:45 GMT | Updated 16/03/2014 09:59 GMT

This piece was prompted by Emer O'Toole's excellent article, 'Men -if you're not a feminist, it's fine, just move on'. I loved it, I found it very convincing. Hopefully this list complements it. O'Toole's point is that men who interact with feminism but care more about male issues can be 'allies' but shouldn't claim to be 'feminists'. This then isn't a feminist article per se, but certainly an anti-patriarchy one.

My reasoning is essentially tactical. All men should be following the tenets of feminism already, which includes shutting up and listening. But they aren't. Many are being their unaware or blissfully misogynistic selves - and they're the ones who have the furthest to go. Articles focusing on how the gender regime affects men could act as a 'gateway drug' to get such people more interested in the broader topic, and so to graft of feminism. But that doesn't have to be feminists' job and need not take place in their spaces. It's for slightly-less-ignorant men (and willing women) to deliver the crystal meth. [Fuller explanation here]

With this in mind, here is a brief list of ways that patriarchy hurts men. They aren't all feminist problems, though many are the reverse sides to bent coins. Some of the points are glib, underwhelming and poorly explained. Write better ones and knock me down.

 

1- Presumption you'll work and support others

It's less acceptable to be a dependent; failure to support a family, or even simply earning less than a female partner, means you are not a 'real man'. You can't be the homemaker. You can't be a full-time father. You can't be a kept man.

(I want to be a kept man and sit at home writing unpublishable books and playing with toddlers. But real homemaking isn't that blissful.)

Remember, maternity leave is codified, in law. The government has decided what your role as a parent can extend to, and it's under employers' control.

2- Narrow definitions of attractive 'real men'

Image standards are nowhere near as bad as they are for women, but there are definitely ideals for men's bodies that most men cannot achieve, however much they 'hit the gym'. This can lead to confidence, self-esteem and relationship issues. Why should the geeks 'lose out'? Why should the guy always be taller, even when patriarchy is simultaneously forcing women to wear ridiculously painful high heels?

Yes, it's inherently problematic that one of my 'problems with patriarchy' is that it stops some men winning women as if they were medals handed out after a sprint, whilst concurrently suggesting women don't have the ability to judge aesthetics properly. I'm being hugely sweeping. This ties into...

3- Unrealistic desires

Without proper sex and relationship education, the barrage of marketing-by-breasts, photoshopping, pornography, and sex in mainstream media means many men grow up hankering after meat-puppet-walking-vagina-impossibly-beautiful-nymphomaniac-chef-slaves. They will never achieve relationships with such disturbing fantasies, and have disappointing real-life relationships as a result, possibly (and hopefully) bookended by thunderstruck realisations that women have brains and they themselves have been duped into being bastards.

4- Child custody disadvantage

Women are assumed to be the better natural parent because they squeezed a child out of part of themselves and milk out of another. If a man wants joint custody, full custody or an adoption, he has a serious fight. Chances are, the patriarchy has actually raised him to be a distant inferior parent anyhow.

5- Violence and confrontation

Depending on your precise culture, there's some sort of ill-defined code about respect , honour and whatnot. People try to fight you because you were in their way on the dancefloor, because a pint was spilled, because you disrespected them. More, you're expected to get involved in dangerous situations where the sensible thing to do is run and call 999. You do not want to be called a coward.

"Boys will be boys" is often remarked by parents of violent children's behaviour. It could be 'harmless horseplay', but inevitably such generalisations also permit bullying to go unresolved, even when it has been reported or seen. I know, I was a bully once.

6- Homophobia

The need to prove your 'real man'-ness often involves a huge degree of homophobia. From personal experience, at school using 'gay' as a general negative term was de rigeur and totally thoughtless. 'Gay' was also the go-to term for verbal abuse, regardless of whether anyone actually believed the boy in question was queer. This is a disturbing form of bullying in general, but far more importantly, it meant that those boys who genuinely were queer or questioning kept completely silent and were probably terrified of pariahism. Many men are terrified of coming out - we've seen this in football recently with Thomas Hitzlsperger, and elsewhere with Tom Daley. Patriarchy is inherently related to trans/homophobic violence, threats, and micro-aggressions as well as denial of legal rights.

7- Access to justice and support

Men experience far less domestic violence, sexual violence and harassment than women. Those that do experience it are often dissuaded from reporting it or seeking help by the strong man idea and fear of ridicule. If they go to court, they face a jury and a system that emasculates them, derides their experiences and questions their integrity.

8- Promotion prospects

The glass ceiling is a thing, and it affects women. That does not mean all men win out from it: men who are introspective, quiet, effeminate or idiosyncratic tend to find promotion more difficult, because there is a narrow definition of 'good leader' and it includes a fistful of testosterone.

9- Hugs and crying and all that wimpery

You are only allowed chest-bumps or man hugs. No proper emotional stuff, certainly not tears, certainly not deep conversation. Man up and shut up.

Exceptions may be made for pivotal sporting events and the national anthem.

Male suicide rates are three to five times higher than female.

10- Food and drink

It seems absurd that possession of a penis means you'll be ridiculed for ordering a Ruby Kiss, Greek yoghurt with honey, or a meatless salad. Sometimes you want a salad. You are bloated from all the BEER and CURRY from the night before, and seriously don't want a carb-and-protein bomb. (It's a massive privilege that I can have a carb protein bomb when I want one.)

11- Inability to live independently

'Inability' might be too strong a word, but you certainly encounter young men whose mothers' care has been so comprehensive that when they move out, they're unable to cook properly, mend broken clothes, budget, or clean their abode. Filthy pigs.

Many think this is that natural order of things, and happily live in squalor until an angelic meat puppet arrives.

12- Stereotype assumptions

It's hard for gays, queers, bisexuals, transsexuals, asexuals and other LGBTQs to live-out (i.e. beyond coming out), because the assumption with any man not wearing outlandishly camp clothes, a cassock or makeup is that they're straight. They find it harder to get jobs, they face ridicule in the street and private Othering. Not real men.

13- Makeup

I wanna wear it. I think I look good with eye liner and mascara. I used to paint my nails. I don't now, because I imagine I'd be fired. I'd certainly get weird looks in the street and raise eyebrows at parties - unless I went full-on drag, which is not what I mean at all, because I mean it should be fine to put things on your face/hands and not be given a shiny new negative stereotype.

14- Weakening movements

Numerous campaigns have been weakened by chauvinist or even exclusionary policies and attitudes, which stops or slows those movements (and the men in them) achieving their goals. Atheism is in the midst of a huge gendered battle after elevator-gate; the civil rights movement suffered by excluding or degrading women in the SNNC (of university sit-in fame), the Black Panthers and the Nation of Islam.Female supporters/allies are turned away, silenced or discouraged by patriarchal structures.

15- Women out of power

Cutting out half of your potential entrepreneurs, scientists, political leaders and inventors is an a priori mistake. It limits how well all our institutions, from government to business, work. It limits the diversity and wealth that a society can enjoy.

Yes, I'm aware women are allowed to work now. That doesn't mean the problem is solved.

16- That you never considered at least one thing on this list

The patriarchy is ridiculously constraining; it tells you what to think.

It's in men's own interests to fight the patriarchy, and that includes listening to the women at the movement's forefront. Simples.

I hope this doesn't come across as an attempt to silence or derail general feminist discussion, or to 'move the spotlight' away from the far more serious issues. 'Patriarchy hurts men too' (PHMT) is a by-word for time-wasting on some forums. Men's unhappy lot in patriarchy does not need to be acknowledged, mentioned or covered in most discussions. It has its own forum, say, at the Good Men Project. Women experience the issues above, only worse.

I generally write on patriarchy'sproblemsforwomen. It's a bigger topic.