THE BLOG

A Letter

09/02/2015 13:42 GMT | Updated 08/04/2015 10:59 BST

My Darling,

As you are dead, I have had to keep a certain emotion hidden and silent from those around me to avoid further judgment and ridicule, however, the honest truth is, I am incredibly angry with you.

From the moment I was handed your death certificate, I have had to reluctantly crawl and claw my way back to what non spouse bereaved members of society would call 'normal' whilst crippled by nerves and anxiety, my physical and mental health continually hanging by a thread during a drunken haze of euphoric reflection.

I have been cruelly judged and misunderstood by all the people you said would love and cherish me. People gave up on me when I needed them most, scared and confused by my 'strange' behaviour and damning me for 'changing'. Bored and frustrated by my constant need of love and attention. I am angry I was left to deal with your death whilst society would judge, whisper and criticise from afar. I am angry that I would be brave and reach out to people who would swiftly cast my grief and I aside in favour of fun and frolics, leaving me emotionally destitute and scarred. It saddens me that those who have helped put me back together again have had to endure years of mood swings, bitterness and unadulterated anger. Their love and compassion sometimes rudely batted away from fear of being suffocated and trapped and from the never ending fear of being let down and abandoned, yet again. They watched me disappear and have had to wait a very long time for me to come back again. It pains me to have caused the people I love so much sadness.

I was subject to calculated and cruel bullying and had personal vendettas executed against me in my ever increasing vulnerable state. These left me bruised, exhausted and my faith in humanity shattered. I am furious and so sad that you left me to deal with these situations on my own, you were not there to hold my hand and speak calm words in my ear and you especially were not there to scream at those that caused me so much pain and stress. I wanted to disappear. I am angry so many people you cared for and trusted have let you down by failing me. (I am silently pleased you have not been here to witness the downfall, it would have destroyed you.)

I am angry you are not here to defend me like I defended you from your illness and everything that entailed. I have no one by my side to help explain my behaviour, my strange thoughts and obscure opinions. I am frustrated that remnants of your life have affected me so deeply that I have been a shell of a human being, weighed down and burdened by guilt and a sense of loyalty to doing the right thing by everyone you left behind. You may be the one that died, but I have been unable to live.

I am angry with you because I met someone who I love very much. A man who makes my heart sing, who has the kindest eyes and the most beautiful sense of being. I am angry because I hadn't fully mended when I met him; scars of grief and abandonment ravaged my every pore. I didn't know how to be, I was trapped between our life together and a new life I was desperate to live with him. I wasn't able to fully give myself to him as I was held back and weighed down by everything and everyone you left behind. I tried so hard, I desperately fought to be with him, but frightened and uncertain I lashed out and behaved appallingly. Despite my honest and true attempts to rectify and mend things, I fear this man will never forgive me. Life without you is manageable but life without him is simply unbearable and I am so angry that through knowing you I have caused him so much pain.

I have had to learn to adapt in the cruelest of circumstances, feeling continually isolated from society and predominantly alone. Time after time I've had to repeatedly pick myself up and start all over again like a giant game of snakes and ladders that only uses snakes. The fact is though I have almost done it. I have almost finished the game. I did adapt, I accomplished the unthinkable and have lived many years without you and now tether at the other side of the deep, dark, lonely chasm I have been walking through for years. I'm so very close to laying to rest the melancholy and grief that wholly consumed me, finally, I feel on the cusp of greatness again; this is why I write to you now.

You gave me love, compassion, kindness and admiration. You kept me safe and warm. You made me laugh; I miss your jokes and ridiculous stories. You made me cups of tea and took the bins out. Memories of you make me beam; our life together was so incredibly wonderful. We would have had a beautiful time together had you not gone away, but I need to carve a new life for myself, that is why you need to know all of the above. I need to let this anger go and I finally need to look after myself.

I am so sad that you died but I cannot be angry about it anymore.

I love you forever.