THE BLOG

Is There a Mrs Bloom? And Other Pointless Questions Taking Up Space in My Mum Brain

05/05/2015 17:41 BST | Updated 05/05/2016 10:59 BST

Having set out to be one of *those* mums who never flicked the TV on, or relied on it for virtual babysitting, I've found myself relaxing the rules more recently.

Especially first thing in the morning (ie any time before 6.30am) when the kiddos decide to bounce into my bedroom, demanding to watch CBeebies or Milkshake! It's far too early to argue with them, so anything that keeps them quiet, entertained and not engaged in mortal combat with each other over the duvet gets a massive thumbs up.

It can take me a good half hour to get myself together some days - especially if there has been night time disturbances of the 'I need the toilet' or 'my duvet has disappeared' variety - and I often find myself watching along still in a semi-sleep induced fug.

Let's face it, some of this stuff is absolute garbage - it's enough to fry my brains, goodness knows what it's doing to their tiny minds? Nevertheless I find myself being sucked into the Little Kingdom and co, and then start to take it all too seriously.

But I can't be the only one though - does anyone else find themselves wondering the following -

* Is there a Mrs Bloom? If so, is she sat in the house, tapping her watch as another good dinner goes to ruin, while her other half prefers to spend time down the greenhouse whispering sweet nothings to a bunch of talking vegetables instead of her?

* Why does no-one stop random strangers walking into the Balamory nursery - surely there should be some system preventing all and sundry dropping by under various pretenses to visit the children? The local constabulary PC Plum is probably OK, although to be perfectly honest I think he's only interested in flirting with Miss Hoolie, but what about that weirdo Archie who prances about in a pink kilt making puppets out of toilet rolls and egg boxes?!?!? He's just screaming out for a CRB check.

* How can Sooty drive his van when he hasn't got any feet?

* Why is Paxton the pig the only animal wearing clothes in Timmy Time, when the rest are stark naked? It's like Donald Duck all over again. He walks round with his bottom half on show all the time, yet when he gets out of the shower, covers up with a towel. WTF?!

* Where are Charlie and Lola's mum and dad? They go to the zoo, the park, play in the paddling pool - ALL ON THEIR OWN. There is never a grown up around. Not a sniff of adult supervision. Are social services aware?

* Why is Mr Potato so big compared to Peppa and George Pig - has he been genetically modified? And how come all the mums and dads can afford to drive around in convertibles? Does anyone else wonder what washing powder Mummy Pig uses? No thought not. But it must be bloody good given all the muddy puddle stains she has to get rid of every day.

* How the hell has Postman Pat still got a job? If he was a real postman, he'd have been shown his P45 long ago. Not one of his deliveries is made without some kind of catastrophe unfolding. He is the Frank Spencer of Greendale.

* Why does the Ninky Nonk change size when it's driving along? One minute it's big, the next it's small. Big. Small. Big. Small. Help - I want to get off.

* What the hell is a Poc Poc - you know those things that look like onions who chase about after Abney and Teal about? What ARE they?

* Why doesn't Lucy's mum in 64 Zoo Lane ever go to check on her after lights out - surely if she was opening the window to slide down a giraffe's neck every night, she'd hear her creeping about, and be a little concerned? And don't tell me they'd have been given planning permission to build a zoo so close to a house, or vice-versa? It's just not keeping it real.

* Why have the voices of the children in Waybuloo been dubbed? It freaks me out watching this show (and not just for this reason) when their words and lips blatantly aren't in sync. And if you hadn't noticed this already, trust me, you will now. In fact it will be all you see when you watch it. *Sorry if I have just ruined it for you. (I'm not - it's c*ap - but that's a whole other blog post.)

* How come my kiddos haven't twigged that Grandpa Pig has the same voice as Ben and Holly's Wise Old Elf? And likewise Nanny Plum and Miss Rabbit?

* Whatever happened to Gordon the Gopher and Edd the Duck?

What, no, you haven't thought about any of these? Really? Just me then. Oh heck.......