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Beating About The Bush: 10 Reasons Why Women Need To Shave

13/10/2016 16:57

2016-10-12-1476287240-4620249-BeatingabouttheBush1.pngPicture: Kate Menear

Dan Bilzerian. Alan from The Hangover. Generic-gorgeous-tattooed-hipster-guy. My dad. The list of much celebrated, much heralded and much fist-bumped hirsute men goes on...

Julia Roberts. Stereotyped European beauties. All women in or before the 70s. Scratch that, any woman ever. Even Queen Beyonce's few tiny stragglers sent the internet into meltdown.

But, what is it about women's body hair that is so shocking, so repulsive and so naturally disgusting?

Ask any number of women and they might tell you that they shave their bodies for a number of phony reasons such as "societal pressure", it being generally stereotyped as "more feminine" and "attractive", or because it is "the norm". But there are much darker, much more serious reasons, why unshaven women are a danger to public health.

Here, for the good of the internet and with the kind help of The Vaginalogue, I have compiled a stubbleproof list of reasons why women need to shave, for the good of humanity...

Number 1: If we didn't, our entire bodies would be cloaked in the stuff and we'd look like Chewbacca (we only know who that is to make boys happy as girls don't know anything about sci fi remember?)

A photo posted by Michael Grisham (@michaelg502) on

Number 2: If we all had reams of leg hair, pit hair or gorgeously tapered beards or downstairs gardens it'd make boys feel less manly. This is a major issue because currently men dominate jobs in government, judicial services, healthcare and big business so basically if women didn't shave and all the men felt emasculated then the world would collapse. Duh.

Number 3: If women didn't shave, our ribbons of natural leg hair would become trip hazards. Which would be annoying as we're meant to be silent and unnoticed not flailing and falling over in the street. (This doesn't happen to men who don't shave though, strangely).

Number 4: We would no longer fall into the hairless sex dolphin' box that society is cramming so many of us into. No brainer.

Number 5: If women didn't shave, imagine all of the secrets we'd have to keep. [Note: this is a pop-film reference that only the hairless, smooth and feminine among you could possibly understand].

Number 6: It's a highly known fact that women who don't shave are often unattractive to men who (still) wear Ed Hardy T shirts. These are often the same men who tweet about 'lifting' or frequent Nandos in packs of 8 or more. They might be more popularly americanised as 'Douchebags'. Well, we wouldn't want that would we.

Number 7: If women didn't shave, showering would only take 10 minutes. This would greatly impact punctuality for over half the population making most women arrive to meetings, dinner parties or friendly get-togethers ridiculously early on an internationally endemic level.

Number 8: If women didn't shave, hair removal companies would have to do away with that foul-smelling hair dissolving cream they haven't changed the recipe of in over 50 years because we all put up with the stench anyway. This would impact the hair removal industry entirely, possibly and directly causing it to collapse, which would also mean that the world would have to endure the hipster beard craze indefinitely.

Number 9: If women didn't shave they'd never accidentally cut the most painfully awkward areas of their bodies that take eons of time to stop bleeding. Because we don't bleed enough already...

Number 10: If women didn't shave we'd get stuck to passing Velcro all the time. Think of the carnage, women stuck, beard down, to notice boards - everywhere. Unable to fasten the velcro'd shoes and coats of small children (small children which we love, on account of our wombs and hormones).

So there you have it. 10 scientifically accurate reasons why women actually need to shave their entire bodies (from the eyebrows down only of course).

Many women actually believe it's ridiculous that men can proudly parade their armpits, leg hair and beard pubes (because beard hair starts growing at puberty too) around, while women - who are naturally endowed with the same hair - must feel ashamed and embarrassed.

Some women choose not to shave in order to "challenge patriarchal ideals of what women should look like", while other women completely flout the dangers of not shaving as listed above for much more selfish reasons like time consumption, expensive razors or, more shockingly, because they are happy with the natural state of their bodies... ugh, YAWN, am I right guys? Hello?

Whatever your choice, to shave or not, projects like The Vaginalogue want to hear your stories, and others like them!

2016-10-13-1476356536-5616626-13499592_1154873744583968_816609369_o1.jpgPicture: Tayler Little

The Vaginalogue is a brand new social enterprise aiming to improve the lives of all people through information, communication and collaboration.

So far we have pieces from comedians, doctors, writers, actresses and anonymous women on 'taboo' topics such as Toxic Shock Syndrome, Cervical Erosions, Hysterectomies, Mooncups, FGM and Peri Natal Mental Illness. These may not sound 'taboo' to many of you, or I, but when we live in a society where women still feel like they have to shove tampons up their sleeves on the way to the loo to shield the world from the underwhelming fact that they're bleeding that day, a public blog about your new Mooncup becomes an act of REBELLION.

If you're a self-defining woman with a story to share, anonymously or otherwise, then please send submissions to thevaginalogue@outlook.com or submit via our online contact form here.

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