Those three minutes while waiting for a pregnancy test to deliver the result to you are a long three minutes. I didn't think I was pregnant, we hadn't been 'trying' for a baby but at the same time I kind of knew I felt pregnant. It's hard to describe. And then: 'Pregnant 3-4weeks' appeared. Oh my god! my heart was thudding like Thumper from Bambi thumping the floor with his paw. I'm pregnant! "Me - pregnant! I can't believe it." I instantly was in love with my baby. And my thoughts immediately went to my partner, Paul. How is he going to feel about this? What is he going to say?
Paul already has a daughter; she's eight and we get on great. Paul and I had previously talked about having a baby but had decided that we weren't going to try for one just yet. Because of this I was a bit nervous about how he would react but I knew that he would be there for me.
That day I was going to work but it involved a day of traveling to a meeting a couple of hours further south and then coming back. I couldn't stop thinking all day about the fact that I was pregnant. I had taken the pregnancy test with me in my bag and I kept looking at it and beaming. I was so excited and my thoughts were going a thousand miles an hour and I was already thinking about the future.
I didn't want to tell Paul the news over the phone, so decided to wait until we were both home that night.
So that night when we were settled for the night, watching telly and just chatting, all that was running through my head was: "What do I say? How do I tell him?"
His reaction was shocked, as I was, and he cuddled me, gave me a kiss and told me he loved me. After a couple of minutes he seemed to get a bit more excited about it and we told our parents who were massively excited.
So after a few weeks and a booking appointment with the midwife we were waiting for our first scan. Paul and I were so happy and it put a new spin on life for me. I couldn't remember feeling that happy and excited about the future. I told work when I was about 8/9 weeks, due to the nature of my work and wanting to make sure I had a safe pregnancy. They were great and it made me even more excited for some reason, that a few other people knew about it.
12 weeks pregnant, on the Wednesday morning I got confirmation of the first scan for the following Monday. How exciting! We were going to see our baby for the first time and hear its heartbeat.
Thursday afternoon I had an awful nosebleed in work that lasted for over an hour. I felt tired and drained after, but apart from that I felt ok.
Friday morning I woke up and went to the bathroom and noticed a slight bit of blood. I was worried but at the same time thought everything would be ok. Over the course of the day and the Saturday, the bleeding got progressively heavier and I had three trips to the hospital. Then Saturday evening the process of the miscarriage really started. The amount of blood was scary and the pain was agony. I was blue lighted to the hospital and kept in. The doctors examined me and confirmed I was in the process of miscarrying.
The physical pain I was in was nothing compared to the emotional pain that hit me like a train. I cried and cried and felt like a failure. I apologised to Paul who was with me the whole way through this traumatic experience. Of course he told me I had nothing at all to apologise for, which I now know is true. The doctors were really helpful and empathetic.
That was nearly eight weeks ago now and those past eight weeks have been a hard time. I have gone through a range of emotions from deep deep sadness, confusion, anger and emptiness. I haven't coped well with what's happened. I've taken time off work and tried to process how I feel and come to terms with the loss.
For people who have been through this, you'll notice a multitude of ways people react after hearing your sad news. It is common that people don't really know what to say, so some may briefly apologise for your loss and then change the subject and never mention it again; some may try to cheer you up by saying, with all good intentions, "it just wasn't your time". And to be honest, no matter how anyone responds to you, you manage to muster up some form of thinking that it wasn't the right thing for them to say, or not say as the case may be.
Sometimes you'll wish people wouldn't talk about it because you just can't cope with talking about it. Sometimes you'll feel aggrieved that you seem like what's happened is just being ignored. And sometimes, when you get those comments that make your teeth grind together you'll want to shout and say "no matter how far along I was it was still a baby - MY baby!". And you know what, all of these reactions and emotions are ok. There isn't a certain way you should feel.
I wanted to write this post because miscarriages are rarely talked about but this is, unfortunately, a common situation that many women go through and it should not be covered up or kept quiet as if it's a dirty secret. It's not! It is the tragic loss of a life that is as hard and heartbreaking as any other kind of loss that people go through, if not more so.
I hope that some of you reading this that have gone through a similar situation can identify with some of this and know that you are not alone.
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