THE BLOG

Trying For a Baby (And Being in the Red)

03/03/2016 10:27 GMT | Updated 03/03/2017 10:12 GMT

I can remember the days when I actually used to looked forward to my period arriving.

(Kind of.)

Back in my youth and in my twenties, when babies were not even on the bottom of a future 'to do' list. When being a mum wasn't even on the agenda and I didn't even know if I ever wanted it to be.

"Thank goodness for that!" I would often silently exclaim when my period arrived and I could get on with my life and my plans and ideas.

Over the years there have been a few close calls.

When perhaps I've not been as careful as I should have been. And with far from the ideal partner too.

But then I met someone. And we fell in love. We bought our first house. We got engaged. And then we got married. We enjoyed city breaks and holidays, spent our spare cash on whatever we wanted and enjoyed leisurely lie ins and raucous nights out with friends.

It was wonderful.

But then, one day, the idea of becoming a family started to look appealing.

And so out went the contraception and in came lots of recklessness and then - when that didn't work- lots of planning.

You hear of people 'falling' pregnant all the time don't you? Of people getting pregnant within the first month of trying to conceive. From a one night stand or even on the pill.

Some women boast of being able to get pregnant at the drop of their drawers. Others worry because they get pregnant so easily and don't want to end up with a gaggle of kids.

But that has not been the case for me.

It took my husband and I over two years of trying to conceive before I was incredibly fortunate to become pregnant (without medical assistance) with my daughter. A blessing I have never taken for granted.

But those two years?

I wouldn't wish them on anyone.

Every 30 days or so, I was miserable and often angry. I felt like I was the only woman in the world who couldn't get pregnant (not true of course but that's how I felt). And I lost count of the days in which I would waste crying in bed, feeling sorry for myself.

It's fun when you start trying for a baby. At the beginning. For the first few months, it's all fun and sexy games.

But after a while, when every month you are visited by your faithful friend, the baby making cycle begins to take its toll.

Another month. Another disappointment.

Another month to try. Another month to wait.

And on and on it goes.

And it wouldn't be so bad, it could even be bearable, apart from the fact that whilst you're going through all of this, you also have a lot of external s**t to put up with at the same time.

People asking when you're going to have a baby as if it's that simple as popping to your local 24 hour shop and buying one.

People 'falling' pregnant everywhere you look. As 'easy' as pie.

"Why not me?!" you want to scream. But of course you don't because it's not their fault and you're genuinely happy for them. It's just that you want to be pregnant too. And it all seems so unfair.

And if this isn't enough to make life tough, then just to top off an already very s****y sandwich, you then get 'the tricks'.

Those times when your body starts to cause havoc and show you signs that yes, this month, you are pregnant.

You don't want to believe it, but as your monthly cycle ticks by, one sign after another magically appears! You google every mysterious symptom and it all sounds possible. But your period isn't late yet, so you wait as you hold your breath and cross your fingers.

Then the big day comes and...you're late!

All those signs were right! And you do it. You do what you swear you would never do until you knew for sure.

And you start to allow yourself to think about holding that much wanted baby in your arms. You start to imagine walking down the road with your babe snuggled up in its pram.

And then.

Then, just as you allow yourself to imagine the happiness a baby would bring into your world, the rug is pulled from under your feet.

Your old faithful friend returns. And all those signs? They were nothing but trickery.

Another month. Another disappointment.

Another month to try. Another month to wait.

And on and on it goes.

Being 'in the red' is frustrating, disappointing and so, so hard to take, when all you want is to be pregnant. And I know because I'm in that place again. As we try for baby number 2.

I know I'm luckier than most to already be a mum.

I know I'm luckier than most to even be able to try.

But I swear, if I hear that phrase 'falling pregnant' one more time, I may just blow a gasket.

Katie Portman writes Pouting In Heels, an award winning parenting and lifestyle blog. You can sign up to her weekly newsletter here, and follow her on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.