THE BLOG

I'm Every Woman

09/03/2015 16:36 GMT | Updated 08/05/2015 10:59 BST

It's Monday morning. It's 8.49 AM.

Here is what I have done so far today:

Lifted two whingeing small humans from their beds.

Made their beds.

Peeled a flattened poo off a tiny bum.

Gagged a little.

Wiped an explosive shower of urine from the toilet seat lid.

Explained to a four yr old where to aim his 'hose' before 'Watering the flowers'.. A daily ritual.

Sighed.

Wiped three tiny bums...one was my own...

It's not tiny....I lied.

Sliced two bananas into 20 circular pieces and two rounds of toast into perfect squares and hand fed them to my kids...apparently their hands were 'Broken'

Devoured three cups of lukewarm Nescafé

Sliced eight carrots, two parsnips, five sweet potatoes and one large onion to make an Irish stew.

Watched three episodes of Peppa Pig and half an episode of Fireman Sam.

Clipped a ragged toenail.

Made an online payment to British Gas.

Replied to five texts and three emails.

Wrestled a feisty octopus....Ok, ok, I put four flailing arms and four kicking legs into tiny cotton sacks (clothes)

Met a new handsome Tesco man.Had a six minute conversation with him as he carried my groceries into the kitchen....all the while my chest was unsupported.

Put on a bra.

Put nine bags of shopping away and five bottles of new wine into the wine fridge.

Stood for two minutes to admire the sight of a fridge FULL of wine.

Smiled.

Bleached the toilet.

Plucked a stubborn hair from my chin.

Sighed and worried about the prospect of developing a fully grown beard some day.

Removed 16 pieces of LEGO from the crevice in the sofa.

Ate half a bowl of soggy Shreddies.

Peeled crushed banana circles and (now rectangular) cold toast pieces off my laminate floor.

Steam cleaned the floor.

My husband?

Well, he has just woken up. So far he has:

Walked across the living room

Scratched his ass.

Farted.

Flicked the kettle switch to the 'ON' position.

Am I a superhero?

Nope

I am not. I am just a woman.

In the word's of the ever-so wonderful Chaka Khan:

'I'M EVERY WOMAN, It's all in me,

Anything you want done baby, I'll do it naturally."

They say Rome wasn't built in a day....but had it have been built by women, then I am confident that it would have been erected in a matter of hours.

We are awesome.

NB. For the sake not offending any of my male readers, I just want to say that men are awesome too.

You guys are better at parking, telling jokes, packing and chopping vegetables with admirable skill and precision.

And if I have offended any ladies by that statement, I just want to remind you that one of our awesome qualities is our ability to keep the peace when required.

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This post originally appeared on Katy's blog http://www.carryonkaty.com

You can follow her on Facebook for daily rib-tickling musings at http://www.facebook.com/carryonkaty