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Welcome Back, Celebrity Big Brother

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The definition of celebrity can be defined as: "a famous person, with the advantage of being known by those who don't know them." In modern terms this means: "One who frequents the front page of Heat magazine and is a regularly papped for being smashed outside a Soho haunt dahling."

But where do these 'Z-lebrities' go when they realise that sleeping with a former Strictly X Factor On Ice contestant can no longer keep them on the trashy gossip treadmill? Why to Career Revival Rehab of course, or Celebrity Big Brother to you and me.

Last night saw Channel 5 having another go at bundling a bunch of people together who collectively are famed for getting their tits out, snorting cocaine and singing out of tune, being a loose woman in more ways than one, scoring an own goal with your brother in law, dumping your girlfriend on TV, being the gayest straight man alive and chasing an egg around a field. If you cannot work out which housemates I am digging at then here are the 12 fame widows in question:

Trumpet tooting Natalie Cassidy, whose mission was to break the ice with the worst most inappropriate hammer, by uttering stupid comments and crying on command; we've unfortu-natalie witnessed her doing it for 10 years at the licence payers' expense. Reservoir Dogs Mr Blonde, Michael Madsen, who I'm hoping will form an unlikely bromance with Mr White (Frankie Cocozza *sniff sniff*) and Mr Yellow (cowardly Kirk Norcross).

Typically Big Bro needs some T&A for Cocozza to add to his 91 conquests, and they come in the not at all surgically enhanced form of Nicola Mclean aka Jordan without the career, Georgia Salpa aka Kim Kardashian with her ass on the front, Natasha Giggs aka "we only booked you as Imogen Thomas was busy" and Playboy twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon aka the K Mart Barbies.

Other housemates too bland to give more words to are Sarah Harding in 20 years and professional gum flapper; Denise Welch, "two multiplied by 10 plus one" Romeo Dunn, rugga bugga Gareth Thomas, and Mr Playing It Straight himself; Andrew Stone.

The launch was kicked off by Big Brother veteran Brian Dowling, who polished off his trolley dolley swagger and taxied down the runway, making sure Brian-Air was anything but a cheap and forgettable experience. It's not often that someone makes a decent living after appearing on a reality TV show; take note Kirk-cozza.

The thing which fascinates me about the celebrity version of Big Brother is that behind the big hair, booze and beaming smiles lies a hidden stench of "who the hell is that" and "don't they know who I am?", with some celebrities clearly embarrassed at their so called 'claim to fame.'

I cannot wait for the task where everyone must showcase just what exactly they are famed for; they'll be Romeo rapping about gravy, Michael cutting Kirk's ear off, Natalie playing the trumpet while pretending to give birth, and Natasha Giggs laying spread eagle on the bed while Cocozza snorts a line off of her thigh as the plastic fantastic brigade strike a pose in the background like an FHM shoot on acid.

My hopes for this year's Celebrity Big Brother are that of fun, as I remember falling in love with the show when Dowling was Queen of the throne.

Unfortunately Channel 5 producers realise that sex and scandal sell, which is why Cocozza has entered and glamour girls have tottered in after him. While I don't want this blog to turn in to the Frankie Cocozza fan club, I know he will become a big talking point for this series, and I believe he is playing the fame game to a tee, as he put it perfectly last night saying, "I'd usually be sat in my mates garage drinking and waiting for my dole money to come through."

Cocozza may be a prime example of how easy it is to be famous for all the wrong reasons, but he knows what he is doing and I don't blame him for grabbing this opportunity with those dirty fag smelling hands of his.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to engage my brain with more thought provoking material; who needs books when you have the possibility of Andrew Stone teaching Michael Masden the routine to Baby One More Time and seeing what Cocozza's barnet really looks like in the morning #legoman.

Welcome back Big Bro.

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