'You can't pour from an empty cup'
Very wise words sent to me this morning.
You see, whilst I maintain that being many to many is key to a life of love and the deepest soul nourishment, I find myself in a bit of a conundrum.
It's been a crazy few months. So very much has happened/changed in my little life. All wonderful but it's left me chronically fatigued.
I feel depleted.
It's as if my Happy has been replaced by shouty, stressy me and the sharp claws of guilt surrounding those feelings seem only to spin that wheel of self-destruction even faster.
How do we draw that line?
When does being many to many in fact become being too many to too many?
Or am I just selfish for even exploring the possibility that I've given too much of myself, my time, my core to others?
It's a conflicting place to be in-I'm overwhelmingly underwhelmed.
Feelings that have turned me into someone I'm finding very difficult to like.
But I'm not alone.
We live in a world filled with such pressure to Be Be Be.
We walk around like a ticking time bomb. I see these bombs in so many places, especially Mum-Bombs.
Because the day we become parents, that incessant expectation to constantly be the absolute best version of ourselves arises. And it's utterly exhausting.
The more I speak to mums, the more I realise the scary truth at how close to breaking point so many of us are.
We are so, SOOOOO hard on ourselves.
Most, especially around this time of year are merely going through the notions, never faltering, never admitting defeat or the insane possibility that we may not be coping.
We look to the Internet for almost everything, inevitably losing that connection with our neighbour-forgetting along the way how healing a spontaneous cup of tea and chat can be.
We've lost the sanctity of knowing a cup of sugar or 2 eggs can easily be borrowed from next door. Because we live too perfectly to ever run out of sugar and eggs in the first place. Its as if we run a high functioning operation instead of a family.
Needing help is seen as weakness- through our own eyes, mostly.
We micro-manage everything, constantly told what we do wrong, how we eat is wrong, words we use are wrong, 'blogging 'experts' everywhere, mum shaming, superhuman parents all over our Facebook feed.
Stop. Breathe. Talk.
Talk to anyone who'll listen and you'll realise how quickly 'perfection' is something created by societal expectations.
Its a lesson I'm still trying to learn-to explore the reality that 'just getting on with it' isn't always possible.
My children though. They need the perfect mum right?
What better an upbringing to have than one that teaches a child that even their Heroes can fail.
Even Mum has to say Sorry.
Vulnerability is often the purest form of beauty.
Mortified that my boys saw me cry, about to make up something about feeling sick, I suddenly realised a rare opportunity within this 'perfect' world they live in where we all function as robots expected never to struggle.
I saw an opportunity to teach my children a lesson.
And in those few quiet moments these 3 young boys knew I needed them more than they needed me.
And that was ok. It was more than ok.
Be kind to the body that holds you, and mindful of the heart within you.
I know that struggling, that gets stuck in your throat and convinces you help is beyond what you need.
It's not easy to hold so many feelings and thoughts and 'To Do' lists and schedules and goals.
But you can't drown them out with the persona of expected 'togetherness'.
I know we all too often squash our feelings of desperation and drowning in this whirlpool of life.
And I know we do it because modern day technology exposes us to soooo very many hardships others are going through.
We feel that 'moaning' about our problems seems selfish and futile as there's always somebody going through worse, with REAL problems.
How many times I've harshly told myself to get a darn grip.
Somebody else's turmoil does not make yours any less difficult or important.
Please. Just talk, let it all out, break down, meltdown, dance, sing, scream. Write. Borrow that sugar, ask for those eggs.
Do it. Do it right now.
Everything that's broken can be repaired and remember, even bottomless cups must be re-filled.
Be the outlet your body and soul needs, the vessel of love your inner core so deeply deserves.
And only then, once you've nourished your beautiful being, will you be able to completely, wholehearted, without resentment.. Resume being Many to Many..