After about ten years of waking up every morning - thats 3,650 times - wishing I could go to Prague and wander through narrow cobbled streets, staring up at dolls houses the size of mansions, and pay 50p for a pint of vodka.. I actually went last week. I can now tick that off my bucket list.
I went to stay with my good friend Jim, so good in fact that he's been living in the Czech Republic for three years and I didn't even know. When we were kids we often played guitar together, usually Pixies songs, and when I saved enough of my tight as hell pocket money i bought my first electric guitar. Trembling with excitement I phoned Jim straight away.. "I got one!" "Brilliant, what type?" "A red one!" "But what type!?" "A cherry red one!" I did however get cooler as I got older. In fact I was proud owner and theft victim of a Gibson ES 335 and I lent it to "a specialist" to re-aline the neck and never saw my baby again.
Pretty Prague is everything people make it out to be and more.. although, as a manic depressive, everyday some form of chaos filtered through.. the first day, Jim and I, both being petrified of heights (I stand on a chair and start screaming) climbed the mini replica of the Eiffel tower which stands at the top of a hill so high you need to take a train to get up there, totaling 378 meters above sea level, and you climb (many) stairs just in the outside of the tower. It was really windy, and once you start you can't turn back. By the time we got to the top, and it took a long time, not just because of how high it is but I had to stop every few steps to have a panic attack, security had to send a lift to take us down as I diva-refused to walk back down. Then the following day I suggested a nice relaxing trip to the Museum Of Torture. Three floors of nausea, fear and panic that this could have happened to me in a previous life, each floor up was more terrifying than the last. Favourites of medieval punishment involved genitalia, spikes, and weights. Then the day after that I got arrested by the Czech Police. I can't understand what's written on my fine receipt but it could be a number of things.. Breach of the peace (shouting, singing even louder) or "cavorting" in a public place (with a teenager) or trying to seduce the police officers that arrested me or then resisting arrest. Oh, and showing my bum. I somehow only paid 500kc instead of the standard 1000kc, I'm guessing they saw the funny side, but my biggest crime however is that I am a massive hypocrite. Only the day before I was telling a czech friend that Brits abroad give us a bad name, with their loud, drunk, slutty behaviour and that I was appalled at what I see on these TV documentaries following Brits on holiday.
So, note to self.. Next time.. REMEMBER TO PACK YOUR LITHIUM!! The rest of the trip consisted of hiding out in the countryside where you can't get into trouble. Beautiful. Quiet. Friendly. You have to be careful when living in a village though because if you make an idiot of yourself in the pub like I do, the next time you have to sheepishly walk back in because this could be the only pub in the whole village. One of the best things about living in London is that there are over 7000 pubs. Result!
The rest of my bucket list I need to get through includes the following..
Meeting Noel Edmonds, Owning my own front door, Learn to play drums (ticked), Do the splits (ticked), Wear heels without crying, Get unbanned from uniformdating.com, Do charity swimathon (I got someone to do it for me so sort of ticked), Beat bipolar (up), Do stand up comedy (ticked), Own my own needlecraft shop and rent the basement out to the mafia, Take a comedy show to Edinburgh Fringe (ticked), Watch Ghostbusters without having nightmares for a week, Bake cupcakes without setting the fire alarm off, Make a salad without setting the fire alarm off, Sleep with a celebrity pop star (tick), Get a female puppy and call it Dave, Wear a wedding dress (but not get married), Live in a pretty house abroad and walk round it in an apron and carry a wicker basket at all times (even in bed), Play bass in a band (tick), Come off all meds and not go mad, Stop showing off around boys, Get over my fear of bunting (tick), Have babies, Write a sketch show for telly (sort of tick, went on radio two), Get arrested by policemen for sexual harassment (on the sexy policemen - tick).
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