THE BLOG

Complaining Versus Excercise

20/01/2014 12:49 GMT | Updated 21/03/2014 09:59 GMT

TV commercials where pregnant women stand on stepladders and perfectly paint walls are misleading! I've tried to conform to the idealistic media portrayal of the modern pregnant woman but it's not going to plan. Yes, I am decorating mother and baby to be's bedrooms with the help of my friend and painter, but I can't do more than ten minutes at a time without putting my back out - I crawled under a table to rescue some pins before my cats got to them, underestimated recent growth, got stuck - harassing friend/painter when the next lunch break is - contrary to builders' average twelve tea breaks a working day I'm on the the same amount of lunch breaks - and having to clean white paint off black cats.

To save money on shabby chic I've been making my own, painting everything in sight an 'antique white' then pasting embossed vintage printed paper onto it. But when you're happy with the results it's difficult to know when to stop and, being bipolar combined with mild OCD pretty much everything in my room has now been painted and papered, bedding included "What do you mean I have to strip the bed first?"

Although the radio has kept us entertained yet ten grand poorer a day - every time we can't be bothered to enter competitions we get them right - it's also driven us a bit mad. *****FM have been playing the same playlist all day, every day, and although I'm not one to complain, I did just that. In fact everything that winds me up about other people I seem to be doing a lot of lately. I can't bear it when all pregnant women bang on about is being pregnant and I am doing just that, to the point I've had to look for online 'bump' groups to give my poor friends a break. I also can't bear profile pics of newborns (because it's not you!), yet I'll probably do that too. Also in the profile pic firing line are when people have pictures of themselves with unplugged guitars or mics "Hey guess what? I play guitar or sing". Anyway.. I emailed said radio station, explaining that the two of us are working soley together for long days, that neither of us can sing anyway, that repeating the same track over and over is driving us a bit mad. I kept out the bit about having racing hormones, and about abstaining from my regular mood stabilisers, as I didn't want them to forward it to any mental health services or even worse 'Noels Christmas Presents' but politely asked if they could play something different.

But no reply, and no change. Next day.. nothing. By the end of the week.. nothing. So, when I switched on said radio station at the weekend to find the same tunes were still being played, I drafted a fake letter from my fake solicitor to shake them up a bit..

Dear ***** FM London - Scheduling team

I am writing to you on behalf of my clients Ms Hudson and Ms Blue following a complaint written you yourselves dates 14/01/14 RE: Repetition of playlist which you have chosen to ignore, so my clients have passed this unfortunate situation on to my company law firm for representation and we have agreed.

Failure to reply to such complaint puts you in breech of your listener satisfaction agreement, which I will need to obtain a recent copy of from your HR department within 14 days of receipt of this letter which has been signed and dated for our records.

My clients have since lost their decoration/restoration business as a result of your playlist continuation, due to psychological instability which it has caused. Ms Blue had to be rescued by a specialist recovery service because Ms Hudson who having heard Gary Barlow over and over to the point of despair - wallpaper pasted Ms Blue to the wall where she was left - to numerous accounts of Sam Baker - for three days and nights. Once rescued, Ms Blue painted Ms Hudson, restricting her breathing pores and now Ms Hudson is in a coma. She called me from her coma this morning with news that she may not recover.

I am therefor obligated to put in an application for costs such as follows..

- Loss of earnings amounting to £20,800 per year

- Ms Blue's rescue fees amounting to (and including trauma counselling costs to rescue team) £6,000

- Ms Hudson's medical fees (including medical staff Christmas Party) £16.050

So an initial payment of £42,850.00 plus annual costs of £20,800.00 until retirement age (tbc as I only have their 'DJ' ages on record).

Yours Sincerely

A*y McBe*l

Of course we could always tune into a different station but then I'd have nothing else to complain about and at this stage of pregnancy complaining is the only exercise I get..