The only good thing about a packed train at 5pm on a weekday is that you can listen in with ease on a variety of comic teenage talks as they make their way home from college. I have made it my 'sport' recently to document some of the chats these naive mini adults have, and boy oh boy, they really are a special breed of human. Don't get me wrong, of course, we have all been there - trying to stand out, impress our mates, and radiate hilarity, but I am pretty sure I was never that bad, was I? Anyway, these young people provide great commute-time entertainment, so I thought I would share some of the best...
Three-way kissing
Apparently three way kisses are all the rage now. One girl said that boys ask girls for a three way kiss to get 'more action' as they think one girl isn't enough. I am not actually sure if this is funny, more like frightening. Poor girls, fucktard boys. Ladies - do not be kissing boys who feel the need to add a third tongue to the mix. Surely it wouldn't even be a kiss, with noses involved surely three lips can't actually meet - surely you would just be licking each other's tongues? Well, I guess that is how these almost adults kiss anyway; all tongue, no talent.
You gotta do it before you're 18
One lad said, very loudly, in front of a full carriage of mainly middle-aged professionals:
"Chloe is staying at Fletcher's tonight cus I told him to do it before he is 18, shall we go round and interrupt em or spy on em".
And I was the only one that pulled a face! Again, boys, what's up? Three way kissing, and feeling pressured to lose it before you are 18? Come on, get real. It was interesting to see that boys feel pressures too, I just hope this Chloe had a few more brain cells than the boys she was hanging out with.
First holiday without the 'rents
A group of little ladies were planning their first trip without their parents. At first they thought Prague, then Mexico, but then landed on good old Amsterdam. They were looking online for cheap package deals and talking about what they would wear. I think this is one we have all been through. My first trip alone was at 16, to Portugal with my school friend. We went out and partied every night, drinking our bodyweight in cocktails, and dodging the local Lotharios. The amusing part of this tale was a girl saying:
"I think I am going to go to Glastonbury too, even though it's expensive, but it's only near Birmingham so will cost less to get there"
Bless. I couldn't break it to her that it was nowhere near Birmingham, didn't want to cause her unnecessary embarrassment when she must have enough of it anyway.
The worst mummy and daddies
Apparent, it is daddy's job to buy them their first car, and mummy's to take them on spa dates and book the holidays. One teen shared a story of a 3 week trip to Cuba, paid for by the parents. What mum and dad, selfishly, failed to take into consideration was the lack of 3G/Wi-Fi in Cuba:
"There was no internet, no 3G, no nothing! I told them I wanted to go home, I couldn't even check in so what was the point in being there!"
Again, pretty funny but also bloody sad. I would have given up internet access for a year to go to Cuba for three weeks thanks to the parents when I was that age! Ungrateful swine. Oh and then, they were moaning about their Apple Watches not doing something or other - WHO ARE THESE KIDS?! Not jealous, not jealous at all.
To end on a positive note - dinner parties and peace
It wasn't all bad, there are some teens out there with their heads screwed on right. A couple of girls were talking about their options after college and contemplating moving to Brighton (Green capital of Britain, do it), and then:
"Down here you can't get the good kind of food, you know, organic stuff, you go to London or Norwich and there is so much choice. You know I think I'm over my partying phase and into my dinner party phase".
They must only have been 18! Which was again worrying, but admirable.
I had to stop myself from getting involved with this next one to congratulate them on their compassionate articulation and ability to see through the media malaise. Didn't want to give the game away now did I.
"Retaliation in France isn't going to help, before, we were trying for peace and we shouldn't have given up so easily. Can't believe they have bombed today. It's so wrong that all those other bombings happened before and Facebook only takes notice of France."
There is hope for future generations after all.