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Truths Of The Newly Single

08/09/2016 11:12

2016-09-07-1473273727-6506099-plentyoffish.jpg
There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but not many honest ones.
Image sourced through CC Search

Ok so I have been officially single around eight weeks now. I have yet to succumb to the allure of online dating which seems to have become a bit of an autopilot move for the newly single 20 something.

That instinct when you are sacked off, to jump straight back on the horse is a strong one. You are lonely, you are doubting your self-worth, and you probably don't have enough money to go out for dinner. Online dating seems to fix those problems, in the moment, right there and then. You can chat to strange strangers for hours on end, and then just block them when you have had enough or it gets too creepy. You can get hundreds of obscure, flattening/frightening compliments right to your inbox to boost the old self esteem. And yes, if you are so inclined, you can use it as a medium to get free dinners for probably the whole week if you worked hard enough and had weak enough morals.

That instinct, is something I have run with, with every other break up since I knew online dating existed. It is my default, my reset, my rebound. I refuse to be alone. But this time I have grown a little older, a little wiser, and well, a little happier with my single self. I have not had much time with her before, the single Kylie, because of said instinct. I have bounced from one suiter to the next, trying to make it fit, trying to fulfil my needs.

But here's the thing... on those sites no one is 100% truthful about what those needs are. So, despite not being ready to take the plunge for once in my life, I thought it would be fun to write a no holds barred faux profile, to encourage other singletons to be true to themselves. World, get ready for single Kylie, all out on the table Kylie, fuck you internet dating I won't do what you expect of me Kylie. Here I am laid bare, take it or leave it...

The profile of a Specific Cynic:

So like most people I've been through a few break ups, and by now I am old enough and wise enough to know what makes me tick, and what ticks me off. I find that when writing a dating profile, you tend to leave out key facts which may make you seem less desirable. This is wrong, the person you should be with should find every part of you desirable. So I am going to go rogue, and lay all my cards on the table (in no particular order).

  1. I am vegan. You must be on your own journey to reduce your consumption of animal produce.
  2. I am bisexual. I will always be bisexual. But this does not mean I am disloyal, it just means I find the person attractive no matter what is or isn't between their legs.
  3. I am a member of the Green Party, an activist, and an atheist. Apathetics, Blues, Purples, and bible believers need not apply.
  4. I live in my own flat. House shares are not ok at a certain age, unless of course it's a go between (we've all been there).
  5. I love Lady Gaga. She will always come first. Also Mariah and Christina... I am a bit of a cheese-ball music and movie wise, and damn proud of it.
  6. I don't like going out and getting drunk other than special occasions. I HATE people who are over 25 and still pretend to be 18. I like early nights, good food, and snuggles.
  7. I hate football and other sports which are there simply to distract the masses from the real problems in the world. Volunteering therefore, is an acceptable alternative past time.
  8. Also not a Star Wars fan - don't even bother.
  9. I like documentaries and books. You need to too.
  10. I don't like people with meaningless corporate jobs, I like people who are trying to change the world for the better whether this is small scale or large scale. If money is your priority, walk on by. Planet first, people second, profit... not interested.
  11. I like sarcasm, I don't like pranks, and forms of forced fake humour. Again, you are not 18.
  12. I love to sing and dance - would quite like a karaoke partner who's willing to sing cheesy duos with me at any given moment.
  13. I don't do long distance relationships, if you are more than 30mins away by public transport - you're out.
  14. I do not want marriage or babies. End of discussion.
  15. I do not want to raise someone else's babies either. Also not up for discussion.
  16. I like affection, romantic gestures, and spontaneity with an undercurrent of trust - none of this 'here's some flowers 'cos I've done something wrong' business.
  17. I have 11 tattoos, and will probably get more. Ideally you would have them too - not of exes names, or portraiture of children.
  18. I'm blonde at the moment but often change my hair colour. So don't message me if you are only into blondes, as I will probably dye it black again at some point.
  19. I don't want to move in with you. Not at least for 5 years. Taking its super slow is the only way for me these days. A break up is one thing, but the costs of moving house? Not happening.
  20. I'm really just looking for friends, with the possibility one day far in the future, that may turn into something more.

So there it is, me, like an open book. If someone can read through your 20 points of honesty and still want to message you - that gives you the best start. I had many friends read this article prior to posting, and they said 'my god, if you actually used that as a profile, no one would message you' - and to that I said, maybe, but if they did at least they will be messaging the real me. We are all in such a rush, and in fact honesty to this degree can save a whole lot of time wasting on people that aren't going to be the right fit.

We spend so long building up our online persona these days, not just on dating websites but on social media, job sites, blogs, etc. that we ourselves get a bit confused as to who we really are and what really matters to us. So, it is my truth as a newly single, that I refuse to lose sight of who I am and what I want. I refuse to jump straight back in. I guess I am hoping to encourage that truth from anyone out there in the same situation.

Singles, be brave, and if you do want to jump straight back in... show the world your truth!

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