Lana Citron
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Lana Citron is the author of five novels, (inc; The Honey Trap, The Brodsky Touch) one non-fiction book, short stories, film scripts, radio plays and poetry. Her work is published all over the world, US, Japan Europe and the UK. Her last book, 'A Compendium of Kisses' was described by the Economist as, β€˜an intellectual and indulgent treat; every dip will prompt a smile, a shock or perhaps even a thrill.’ a wonderful and comprehensive book on all things osculatory.’

Entries by Lana Citron

Lily Allen's Baggy Pussy

(0) Comments | Posted 20 November 2013 | (15:29)

Hurrah for Lily Allen, she is back in the news and speeding up the charts with her latest song and controversial video, Hard Out Here. You've probably seen it by now and if like me, are reeling because shock, horror, gasp ... she made it without having to...

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Bear and the Toilet Brush

(0) Comments | Posted 29 October 2013 | (18:00)

In retrospect it was inevitable.

Bear had a taste for life and all life could offer. Nothing was safe from his probing indiscriminate fingers.

One day during this recent hot summer Bear was attracted to a large clay flowerpot, a pot the size of himself. Glued to the...

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Sluts, Sweet Fannies and Giving the Boys an Eyeful

(0) Comments | Posted 22 October 2013 | (13:10)

My mind is a soup of feminist thoughts what with the present renaissance. Finally, feminism is no longer a dirty word and those rabid ugly women with penis envy no longer front the various movements. Vive la revolution.

Current front- feminist -runners are Femen. The Ukrainian hotties, who...

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Bite Size Memories

(0) Comments | Posted 14 October 2013 | (23:56)

The Bear bites. He was teething and nipped; lips, cheeks, necks, collar bone and fingers.
Word quickly spread of his clenching jaws. Our Bear was a nipper. Few could believe such an angelic boy, a font of joy would do such a thing.

Brother Bear, somewhat older...

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The Bear Breast - A Paean to Breast Feeding

(0) Comments | Posted 8 October 2013 | (12:19)

Having spent much of last year deep in maternal purdah, the following piece, a paean to breast feeding, is part of an adhoc series entitled Bear Adventures, as told by the Milk Lady.

The Bear Breast

Bear loved milk especially the Milk Lady's. It was, for much of...

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The Day 'Agh' Was Supplanted

(0) Comments | Posted 29 September 2013 | (13:36)

Some of you will know having read Diary of An Accidental Mother that just over a year ago I gave birth to a son and have since been deep in maternal purdah. The following piece is part of an adhoc series entitled Bear Adventures, as told by the...

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But... I Love You

(2) Comments | Posted 16 September 2013 | (21:29)

I wonder if it's a female thing this propensity to apportion blame on oneself for a relationship disaster. I can't recall many of my male friends blaming themselves for their love affairs going tits up... whether it is or isn't gender specific, it's a meaningless moan.

There's nothing pretty about...

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The International Junkie

(0) Comments | Posted 10 September 2013 | (12:46)

The International Junkie rages in three different languages. We hear her, below our window. It is late September, I am in Barcelona with friends staying in a house along the narrow streets of Barcelonetta. It is a stones throw from the beach, traditionally a poor area built for...

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This Labour of Love

(3) Comments | Posted 24 April 2013 | (01:00)

- The continuing diary of an Accidental Mother - week 40.

So there we were at the end of a journey and the beginning of a lifetime. These past nine months have been the longest, shortest, most confounding emotional roller coaster since... well, probably since the first time round.

...
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Thirteen Lucky Years of Boy Wonderment

(1) Comments | Posted 16 April 2013 | (01:00)

Thirteen years ago, a boy besieged my heart and taught me how to love.

Saturday morning at our local synagogue, my son stands tall on the bimah and sings aloud his bar mitzvah piece. Friends and family have travelled from as far as Australia, the States, the Caribbean, Ireland,...

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Taming of the Shrewd

(0) Comments | Posted 8 April 2013 | (01:00)

- The continuing diary of an accidental mother - Week 38

The last and latest NCT meet-up we were talking about breastfeeding. 'Apparently' breast-feeding doesn't hurt, just like how labour doesn't hurt. Ladies, I beg to differ.

"It does hurt."

"Accidental Mum?"

"It does...

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Woman in Hormonal Maelstrom - Approach With Caution!

(0) Comments | Posted 29 March 2013 | (21:45)

Week 37


They say a picture paints a thousand words....


2013-03-29-DSCN1044.JPG

Need I add more?

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Show Time

(4) Comments | Posted 22 March 2013 | (00:00)

- The continuing diary of an accidental mother - Week 36

It was to be our last meeting, the final check-up with my midwife. The chosen pronoun belies the reality. It was a polygamous liaison. Over the past nine months of appointments, I hadn't seen the same midwife once....

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Tales of Hard Labour and the Pink Ribbon

(1) Comments | Posted 14 March 2013 | (00:00)

- The continuing diary of an accidental mother - Week 35

My hand reached high above my head. "Pick me, pick me," I cried, provoking an instant recall of school days. Personally, the best part of class was waving an upward pointed arm and then the satisfaction of getting an...

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When Sexiness Left the Building

(0) Comments | Posted 7 March 2013 | (00:00)

The continuing diary of an accidental mother - Week 34

This week the bump took command of the mothership. All things ego-related receded into the background as I prepared for metamorphosis, from woman to 'mother' or 24 hour service station. Branded with a thick black line, a primal print...

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Shooting Hannah Cohen

(0) Comments | Posted 26 February 2013 | (00:00)

The continuing diary of an accidental mother - week 33

In a grey stone church in Dublin, I watched myself from a time since past; as a seven year old, Jewish girl wanting to belong. The place was full of people, though none were praying and nothing was quite what...

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Sharp and Sweet - The Beet Generation

(0) Comments | Posted 19 February 2013 | (00:00)

The continuing diary of an accidental mother - week 32

"It was the beetroot wot done it, guv."
Lip-licking, lasciviously mine smacked together, as spittle fired with desirous thoughts of consumption. Gloriously immodest, the bunch was as nature intended, ripe for the picking. I would have that beet. The...

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The Chocolate Orange of Eternal Desire

(0) Comments | Posted 12 February 2013 | (00:00)

-The continuing diary of an accidental mother - week 31

It happens - someone contacts you from a time way back - when half your present size, you shook your tail feather and tickled your fancy.

We hadn't seen each other in over 20 years. On a recent holiday...

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Mr Greene and the Places He Takes Me

(0) Comments | Posted 5 February 2013 | (00:00)

The continuing diary of an accidental mother - week 30

The thing about Mr Greene is he takes me places I have never been. I refer to Graham. I was on a Graham Greene roll. The Quiet American lay across my lap, the tip of page 89 gently folded...

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On 'Going Down' - The Joys of Cohabitation

(3) Comments | Posted 29 January 2013 | (00:00)

- The Continuing Diary of an Accidental Mother - Week 29

Last week began preparing for the arrival of a certain someone and this week ended with the ding-dong of the door bell.

Yes after 42 years, my long cherished independence was under imminent threat. My single days cooked....

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