I'm now in month three of chemotherapy and I'll be honest, I'm extremely proud of how I am getting through it if I do say so myself. I'm not sure sometimes how I am finding the inner strength to deal with it all, but right now I've hit a bit of a lull.
Having hardly been able to work since being diagnosed its getting a little boring now, day to day I still don't know what chemotherapy will throw at me, I don't know if I will get a 'good' or 'bad' day. 'Good' where I might feel relatively normal, 'bad' where I could be so low and so exhausted and unable to do anything.
Everyday things such as watching TV or reading a magazine can be a struggle, well for me anyway. I don't have the ability to concentrate on it because of the chemo, it's difficult to describe. I thought having this time off I would be able catch up on books and DVD boxsets. I actually enjoy going into hospital for chemo because it gives me something to do.
I hope I don't sound 'woe is me', I always knew chemotherapy was never going to be a walk in the park but I miss feeling normal, so to speak. I should however be grateful that I am one of the lucky ones, that my cancer was diagnosed, that I am being treated and that its going well.
At a recent consultant meeting, I was given positive results which confirmed I have had an 'excellent response' to treatment, which is so rewarding to know that the previous two months of treatment are working.
I have to be strong, I find it hard though, it does feel like a prison sentence having a course of treatment ahead of me, especially at Christmas. I think in some ways its even harder as everyone is out socialising and having a nice time and I am stuck inside, whilst I know its for the best and am forever grateful the cancer has been diagnosed its not easy seeing the world go on around you.
At the moment it feels a bit like Groundhog Day everyday, not knowing what is going to be thrown at me. I'm sure it will go on like this until treatment is over. Last month I had a few days where I've felt relatively back to my old self and it was the most wonderful thing in the world, its funny the things you take for granted, feeling normal.
To have an 'end date' as such is nice whilst I still have four months of chemotherapy to go through then radiotherapy for a few weeks, after that I should be free from treatment.
I close my eyes and picture four months from now. I am already planning holidays and running marathons and charity walks/bike rides and that is the zone I need to stay focused on.
I knew it would change my life and I'm so excited about when its done, where I'm going to live every second to the full. It changes your perspective on everything, I had never thought about wanting children seriously until now, I just hope that chemotherapy hasn't killed my chances.