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Vegan W*nker

04/01/2015 20:49 | Updated 06 March 2015

Apparently it's "veganuary" where you can give being vegan a go. You can give it a go any month but the people who invented veganuary thought it might be good to encourage you to give it a go in January and so have merged the words "vegan" and "january" to create "veganuary". Trying to come up with a successful word play on the word vegan is actually more difficult than becoming vegan...

My long association with Kentucky Fried chicken and eating meat is well documented. I grew up craving flesh. I liked my steaks bloody and I had fuck all respect for anyone who didn't appreciate cheese. If you didn't like salt beef, viennas, smoked salmon, cream cheese, lamb, chicken, kebabs, ham - then you were an idiot. I even liked the stuff that a lot of tossers didn't like: liver, heart, tongue, kidneys. What kind of prick wouldn't like liver and onions?

And then I became a wanker and developed a stupid seed of empathy and compassion for animals. It was bullshit. I hated it. But I couldn't ignore it.

So I became a vegetarian for two months. This was reasonably difficult. I realised I'd essentially been made into an addict. The occasional longing for meat lasted two weeks max.

Then a quick glance at the production of eggs, milk, cheese and dairy made me unable to pretend it wasn't equally if not more cruel than meat production. So I made the full plunge into becoming a vegan wanker.

It was and continues to be a piece of piss and is probably one of the few good decisions I've ever made in my life. It has probably even saved my life as I essentially lived off Haribo and KitKats for 20 years.

My diet's so normal now that I don't even really need to think about it anymore. If there is a mistake or an accidental slip up I don't beat myself up over it and it doesn't undermine the venture. I accidentally ate a sour cream Pringle the other day which was masquerading as ready salted.

There are so many questions you'll be asked once you go vegan - most of them ridiculous. Apparently, going vegan means you're instantly more likely to end up on a desert island and be faced with having to kill and eat something to survive. And yes - I would kick to death a Shetland pony if it was threatening me and my family and I'd exhausted all other options of compromise.

With regard to eating out the only difficult thing is your well meaning companions suddenly think you are mentally simple and no longer able to speak English. After reading the menu for you and explaining to you what you can eat, they will then speak over you trying to communicate to the waiter on your behalf and interpreting back what he says in a loud clear voice to you. There will normally be seven of them doing this at once.

It's all fun.

The biggest question you get asked is what do you miss the most? The truth is: nothing. There is no loss. There is no grief. It is all gain. I'm the healthiest I've ever been. I've lost weight simply 'cos there's a whole ton of crap I can't eat. I eat better and more diverse meals than I've ever had before. I have more flavours and colour in my diet. I love the food I eat. It's genuinely one of the most clearcut best choices I've made in my life. Being out of the death industry is good. About three weeks after I changed my diet I felt this weight lift off of me. I think deep down most of us know it's horrific what has to happen to get our meat - but it's something we stifle and bury in our brains because we are addicted and indoctrinated. We stifle that dark truth in order to protect our habit. We invent words like "bacon" and "beef" to sanitise from our language the fact that we eat our co-inhabitants on earth. Can you imagine how embarrassed we'll be when aliens come and say, "Dude! What the fuck are you doing?! You just ate that little short guy with the trotters!?" I read recently that the planned space tourist crafts decided there will be no leather interiors on the ships cos what kind of impression would it give if we arrived in space sitting on chairs made from the skins of other dead earthlings. It would quite rightly, be horrific and wouldn't put us in the best light.

Anyway, going vegan is one of the most clearcut ways you can reduce cruelty in the world. It's a piss of piece. You will eat better meals than you've ever had before. You'll get fit, healthy and as buff as fuck. With literally no effort you'll get an arse to die for - and it's good for the planet.

My arse is incredible - and that too is good for the planet.

You could get an incredible arse too.

So try it or not. In "veganuary" or "veguary". I don't give a shit. It's your life. Have a good 2015 you cock.

x x x

P.S.
Yes you can live without cheese.