In the olden days, Facebook was a fun place to find out what old friends were were up to. A place to catch up with people you'd lost touch with and somewhere you would share a picture of your cute new kitten or your adorable puppy. Unfortunately, things changed, you were given access to things that your friends liked and your friends friends decided to add you because you kept popping up in their suggestions box and before you knew it, you were up to your eyeballs in people you barely knew or people that would add you but totally ignore you if you passed them in the street. These are the dark days of Facebook.
Gone are the kittens and puppies, they've been replaced by vomit inducing images of dogs being punched, roadkill, videos of children being punched on public transport, girls sucking on used tampons, kids stabbing their hands with knives, injuries, insults, masturbation and sexually suggestive selfies. It's a place for generating hatred, inciting witch-hunts and scare mongering. What happened Facebook? We used to be friends.
Over the years users have also developed a distinct lack of personality. Statuses generally follow a pattern made up of 'trendy' words and before you know it, everyone's coming out with the same old stuff. It's all one big competition, it's the Hunger Games of photographs and hyperbole and the modern day equivalent of gossiping over the garden fence and keeping up with the Joneses or Kardashiwotnots. Here are a few of the statuses responsible for the degeneration Facebook.
"Click 'Like' if..."
...You've lost someone to cancer, you want to find a cure for cancer, you love your daughter, you love your kids, you enjoy breathing, you like clicking like etc. Stop clicking like and fill a bag with old clothes and take it to a charity shop, give money to cancer research, tell your kids you love them to their face. Save the tip of your index finger and do something that will actually make a real difference.
"Time for a bubble bath and a large glass of champers methinks."
The word 'methinks' only ever appears on Facebook and is only ever used orally in those bizarre baby brothels where perverted old men go to wear nappies and get their bums wiped by an overweight prostitute in massive 80s glasses. Statuses like this allude to a lavish lifestyle, a lifestyle created by gossip magazines and Sex and the City, this is not how real people live their lives. In fact the truth behind this status is probably "Time for a quick flannel wash and a glass of Lambrini" but that wouldn't impress your "friends" would it?
"Anyone know the number for the Doctor's Surgery?"
"Anyone know the number for 999?"
If you can update your status, you can search for a telephone number. The above are desperate, attention seeking posts and require nothing more than the obligatory "Why what's up hun?" or "Hope everything's okay hunnii" or "I'm here if you need me hon" or... oh I can't be bothered but I know you know what I mean.
"Today I will be mostly..." and "...that is all."
These overused phrases appear to have replaced the nation's obsession with the word "random" which was badly overused for a couple of years by thousands of people who had never bothered to look up the definition of the word. It's a cocky and seemingly disinterested way of telling people what you're doing. Honestly, if you're that blasé about it, keep it to yourself.
"I would like to take this opportunity to wish Rihanna a happy 3rd birthday. Congratulations sweetie we are so proud of you. Love from Mum, Dad, Kev, Nana, Grandpa and Carol next door x"
Can baby Rihanna read? Does she have a Facebook account? "I'd like to take this opportunity"? Have you really been so busy that this is the only chance you've had to wish your daughter a happy birthday is through a Facebook account she can't read and has no access to?
See also: "Shakira, we have just been to your school open evening and your teacher said that you are the best in the whole school at absolutely everything. We are so proud of you. Love from Mum, Dad, Kev, Nana, Grandpa and Carol next door x"
Oh, stop showing off!
"Well Nana, it's been 7 years today since you died..."
Nana didn't use Facebook when she was alive so the chance of her being able to read this when she's been dead for seven years are pretty slim.
For starters, why do people use hashtag on Facebook? It's completely superfluous and then there is nothing more boring than someone who is bored and nothing more criminal than sticking a .com after a word to describe your feelings.
This is the dangerous one. Mainly because it encourages users to post pictures of themselves in their new clothes or hardly any clothes and then asks friends to rate the pictures and their figures. The problem here is users are appealing to their "friends" if you look awful they're not going to tell you because they're your friend and they don't want to upset you. So no matter how hideous you look, people will click "LIKE" and they will comment with things like "Beautiful Hunniiiiii".
Blatant vanity and a desperate appeal for compliments seems to carry absolutely no shame whatsoever and adding "I hate this picture" to the posted image won't fool anyone. If you genuinely hated it, you would press delete. Well done Facebook, you've created a monster, and a bloody ugly one to boot!
There are over 988,968 words in the English language but look at the above. You know someone who has used one, more or all of them or you yourself are guilty. I've not even touched upon the countless people who want you to know where they are, who they're with and what an "AMAAAAAZEBALLS" time they're having. Genuinely "good-time" situations have no place on Facebook as the thought of updating your status just wouldn't occur to you.
So, stop competing with your "friends", showing off and shamelessly seeking attention. Close down your Facebook account, get out there, live your life and remember how to have a REALLY good time with REAL people and If you happen to feel like you still need the occasional spurt of validation, you can always Instagram the shit out of your dinner, you're bound to get a "like" and maybe even a #nom. Don't get me started on NOM!